So. I got to sleep during the weekend. But now... I havn't slept since I got up on tuesday, twelve-ish. And it's about 23-ish at the time of writing 12 + 24 +23 = fuck all!

I'm trying to gather the sense to be able to write a report to my doctor about my experiences on the pills.

It all just feels sad and lonely.

I'm gonna pop some dinner with tea and nuts. And I'll just fucking start wow and vent in the hope of running into someone to talk to.

Cramping results.

So. I was given two sorts of pills from the doctor, and a pamphlet from the psycologist. The pamphlet was a four minute read of thing I already knew, and that was that, sadly.

Pill 1: Helps you fall asleep, simply. But you will wake up with headaches, exactly like a bad hangover. Don't really see how this would be a improvment, but I'll try.

(after trying... I didn't get any extra sleep, but got up with a murderous headache... IwannadieIwannadieIwannadie-style)

Pill 2: Actually cures night scratching. Which I don't have. But the side effect is lessened anexiety, and that you just fall over sleeping.

I've had mad cramps in my stomache from the vomiting. But at work, I realised that it's given me great stomache support, for singing. I can sing awesome high notes! Powermetal singing, here I come! (or rather, I'm gonna try as hell to learn how this works so I can do it without weird cramps)

And! They've fixed my sink in the bathroom, finally. New pipe and everything. As the piping actually broke, after not working... for a year.

Now, breakfast, te, and some headache pills... hot damn my head is thumbing like some really bad euro techno.

Diffrent kinds of hard.

Hard times, hard pressed, hard mess.

I've been fighting the insomnia since, well, actually, around christmas. Not being able to sleep made me miss a exam. It made me not able to get around in finishing the essays I need done.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a doctor and a psycologist. I really hope this will get me somewhere. No. Actually. I hope to get out of the insomnia and to get a slip that shows that I've been ill, so I don't loose my appartment. I want to move, and soon, but at my own volition.

I also got hit hard by a stomache bug on friday evening. A little of 24 hours of hell.

How come I always get sick, so that I am very ill at the same time as it's my turn to clean the common kitchen here?

And in my few hours of dozing... I dream of music.

Snow

The snow has come, and my disposition has hence vastly improved. It's weird how the meaningless darkness and wetness of the end of fall just destroys me.

I'm transcribing math notes right now. It is extremly tedious. And it feels weird. I feel like I've completly forgotten how to study.

I did it two weeks ago. Now... it feels like I have no clue when it comes to focusing my mind.

And having had a good nights sleep for the first time in many months... my back has given up. I'm in so much pain, sometimes, I get close to crying. And I can't find anyone to come and give me a massage. I'm in terrible, awful, painful, need.

It's about half past four... and it's already dark outside. Slow snowflakes falling down outside the window.

And I want to go for a walk. And do some more exercise. And play some guitar... and...


On saturday, I turn 26. Or... more properly, I turn 19, for the seventh time.

Farewell

The funeral was yesterday.

It was tough, it was sad, heartbreaking in so many ways. But... I kinda feel that some healing started to happen. I worked really hard to care for the family.

I am completly and utterly drained.

But damn, I look great in a suit.

Guitar Smashed Face

There we go, nice title, referenceing Cannibal Corpse and the weird shit that went down yesterday.

So, I've now managed this. I was explaining something to a student, holding a acustic guitar in my right hand. I feel my grip suddenly slipping. I grab the guitar in the air so forcefully that I smash it into my face. A machine head imprints itself in my forehead.

The force of the blow knocks me off balance, and I fall backwards, into a convenient chair. Landing comfortably, my head goes on rolling backwards, and I hit... the concrete wall.

And so, I had a slight concussion.

An hour later, I managed to hit myself again... this time just splitting the inside of my lip.

This is like some... record of asshandedness. Seriously.

Hell yeah, Guitar Smashed Face.

Outside the leaves are falling

Got woke up by one of the secretaries calling from work (before 11 as we have agreed is the earliest they call, since I get hom so late) asking me a inane question, wether I was having a fall break in my classes. When they've specifically told me... I can't have a fall break in my classes.

Why?

The last few days of working out... is being felt. Thuroughly. I am so damn stiff.

Turns out that I've misscalculated on work though. Seems I'm actually done about two weeks earlier then I thought. That's great. More time to study before exam.

I'm chronically running back and forth from my mailbox... because my new guitar is about to arrive. It's like three weeks late. And I'm also scared because of all the problems the post office caused the last time I ordered one. (it was shipped around for a month and smashed to bits)

But I'm not well. Seriously. There still so much of this whole thing to process. And not getting to be around them, the family... it... breaks my damn heart.