Where is my guitar?

I'm really starting to wonder if the swedish toll has decided to test-drive my guitar for a bit. It does not take over a week for a package to go from germany to sweden. I know that from previous experience. *grrr*

Tomorrow, I'll be going back to Taekwon-do. I will do my best to not fall into my regular trap. Going at it as if I havn't been away. Resulting in being so dead that I'll miss one or two sessions. I'll have to admit that I'm a bit scared of going back. Because I just hate all the small details I'll have forgotten.

Yesterday I finished one of the two small essays concerning mathematical didactics. It's, sadly, extremly boring.

Looking at appartments, there seems to be some openings. *crosses fingers*

Scared

I so wish I could figure out a way to handle myself. Seven days until the math course starts. And my body is seriously reacting to the anexiety.

It was just horribly difficult trying to fall asleep yesterday. And I burned myself on my nightlight, tossing and turning.

The emotions become so big that I can't focus on anything else. Like, actually doing things.

I demand so much of myself. Wish so much from myself. But all this... pressure... makes me unable.

Bank and Sleep

I've sat around writing on these two small esseys. I'm having trouble getting going, as I want a good idea. I hate just writing something for the sake of it being something. Which sure ain't easy when we get alot of meaningless essay topics.

Went to the bank yesterday, on my way to my gfs. I had gathered a whole bunch of things that I needed to do there. OMG. I got stuck there in line for two hours. And then I was sent away to read up on how to fill out the forms for international transactions. I don't want to know that. I want the damn bank to fix that for me. Argh. And then both the train and the bus was of course delayed. And for some reason my phone wouldn't connect to the network, so I couldn't call and say I was going to be late.

It felt excedingly good to get to be with her. Everything is so messed up right now. *sparkles*

Today has been a sit around day though. Slowly, slowly working on the writing. And watching a few series in the meantime. I've been really tired from the mental straining, and I've actually been walking and cycling alot.

I seriously need to play music with other people. It's been a year. And playing with my students doesn't really count. I've been practicing like mad. Good. Good. Good. But, I need inspiration and a ballplank.

Ät HatHelikopter och Dö!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clOaqRM6EDM

Dethalbum released on sept 25. And Dethklok will be going on tour. The second cartoon band that plays for real?

Seriously, this is the only time ever I get Really evil metal. Damn this is brutal, cool, and extremly funny.

So, the day. Went through the next book. Damn, that was really uninteresting and not the info I needed, so I ended up flipping through it in an hour. I think I have all I need to write it. So, now I just need som undisturbed time at the computer.

There's still a really weird feeling here at home. Built the other cd-rack for mom. I've just been sighing sadly and looking at all the un-availible appartments.

Slightly unproductive

Today I didn't get alot done. I awoke late, made food (without running water, mind you). Cleaned and vacuumed the place. (and built a cd-rack for mom) and... that was it, really.

Then I went for a walk at 16:45 and got home about 23:30... I had the luck to hook up with a good friend and have philosofical discussions about life. The talk felt really rewarding.

Now, I sit here, staring at the numbers and deducing my chanses for when I'll be able to get a appartment.

I can't live here. It's all gone really bad. And I, really can't write about it here.

Tomorrow, read through next boring book, and go to bank. And hopefully, send a bunch of important e-mails.

Strong beer?

In swedish, harmful narcotics and drugs are summerised with the word 'knark'. It's used in the same way that english say 'to do drugs'.

That makes this, very, very funny.

http://www.duelundbryglade.com/knark.html

So, if I write about my accomplishments each day, will that help build a more positive structure within my mind? It's a old technique, recommended by most. Ah, well.

Today was rather annoying, I got up just after 9 in the morning, which was the time the build crew decided to turn of all our water. No tea = angryily annoyed and dangerous Demian. And no water = kind of funky smelling Demian.

Got myself awake by watching *eyes tingle* The old original Transformers series on Tv-links. Awesome. I've actually only seen 4-5 episodes of the first two seasons. So it's all new. And wonderfully horrid. But it still kicks the ass of all modern cartoons. I've found a bunch of old 80s series to watch... ah, good times to be had.

I've ordered... a new guitar, from germany. And it sure as hell is worth it, as it was about 1500kr less when doing it that way. Not to mention that I'd have to wait two-three months, and pay more, if I'd bought it here in sweden. And I actually get better warranty this way. One hitch is that it wasn't (and won't be apparently, in europe) availible in the white colour I wanted. So... it's another black guitar. I have four electric guitars and one 5-string bass. All of which are, black. Well, what are you going to do.

I have also practiced guitar during the last two days, actually last week, and made some good progress. Excellent. Just what I need.

I've finished of the first 170 page book I have to read for the essay I'm working on. I'll go through the next book tomorrow. It's really uninspiring, but I've got to get it done. Then I'll be able to do some calculus next week, and hopefully the cooler weather will help me getting around to recording some more tracks.

A couple of you who've read the Inner Outer post has gone on trying to argue with me that I'm not a bad or failed person. Now, I'm really, really happy that you care. But you can't really argue me out of feeling this way. Not to mention, it's really easy to out argue any of such points made. Especially for me. But me feeling smart about shooting down arguments for how good I am is not such a good thing? And so far, I can't do much else but shoot the arguments down. Just, be there. Just, call, just... don't argue.

Gawd, that feels really horrible to say. But, I am coming to understand what helps me and what can't.

But that does lead me to something more I've been thinking about. I'm really isolated. I only meet my best friends for roleplaying, maybe once a month, once per two months? It's... not good. And again... fixing that is kind of hard to do, by myself.

Been watching for new availible appartments, so far, zeros everywhere. Umm. So, a call out to everyone. Anyone need a roommate or two? Or anyone interested in trying to get a bigger appartment and split it?

Whine, whine and get more angry.

Totaly unnecessary

But it's got to be said.

Hot damn.

I should NOT have tried Jolt Cola or Cream Soda during the summer.

I drink like, no soft drinks, at all, besides Julmust... but. Umm... That was so awesomly tasty. Although Jolt Cola apparently made me really, really annoying. (Running around, making high-pitched noises and poking people. Even bitemarks were blamed on me)

And I sure could go for a Dr. Pepper as well.

Inner Outer

Alright, biting my lip abit. I had a good idea on how to write this, but then I went to get all our wet clothes out of the washroom and it eluded me.

Where am I today?

For almost as long as I can remember, I've been fighting with myself. And it seems very few people have caught on to this. I am not well. And that is hard to admit even to myself. Everyone else seem to see thoughtful, dependable, and perhaps, sometimes, a slightly distant person. Me.

Growing up, dad neglected me in a most active way. That is to say his behavior made me quite certain how meaningless I was. And how my opinions, feelings and, well, all of me, didn't really matter. Now with a few years behind me, I also see that I've recived the same treatment from my mother that she got from hers. The 'not being good enough' treatment. Whatever I've managed to do, I could have done it better.

I live with the voice of my inner critic. That inner voice normaly secondguesses you, criticises you, and as such can be used so that you do your best. Mine doesn't stop. It has grown throughout my conciousness like a cancer.
Even before I even do anything that I've planned on doing, I've been berated by that voice for months on how I'm going to fail, what I'll do wrong, that I can't succed.
I tend to be so filled with anexiety that I feel sick to my stomache. I very often have trouble sleeping because of fear and stress hormones.

I often have trouble managing my day. I get terribly scared about doing the school work I need to do. I get scared about the challenges of getting a appartment of my own. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry constantly. And I feel serious physical effects from my worrying. Me anexiety.

In three weeks school starts. I'm retaking Math 1, first module out of two. For a week now I've had seriously frightening nightmares about Cosine and E functions trying to kill me. It sounds just wonderfully pathetic in this form. But it's the same level of fear as when I got mugged.

I've tried to find help. I have not succeded. Back then I got help from school, I've tried the psycologists linked to my university, so that I at least can get some help passing my courses, but nothing. I was to severe a case so they wouldn't even touch me. (they were more interested in going and having their coffe actually)

Worst of all is how this affects my dreams of working with music. And how I just plain suck to be around and how it makes me less of a friend and less of a boyfriend. (Not that they'd complain, any of them. There's a good deal of me not calling myself good enough in that to. But you all know when I'm not enough, and I cringe for every time I've failed any of you.)

So, why am I writing this huge peice of whine? I am not sure. It is a call for help. Gods know I need and will welcome any that anyone wishes to give.

It is also, this whole writing thing, if I manage to keep it up (notice me second guessing myself already) I can use it to keep track of myself.

The fall is heading at me at breakneck speed. And there's so much to do. I suck at living in the now. Instead I see a huge pile of crap that needs doing instead of working on the bit that's before me, so all the little bits can accumulate and become, ehr, a pile of... not crap.

I'm re-taking two courses during the fall. Half of Math 1 I've mentioned, and then there's the Optics and Laser course. It really isn't hard, and I know the material, and where at best of with 1 point on both exams. I've also got some essays lying around that needs doing. There are always esseys that need doing. But I must get this done. All of it.

I must move out. It's official, we do not get along anymore. I can't actually point to anything specifically, as I've just gotten alot of animosity and few explanations. But, things end. Not to mention that I do want my own place. Or, better, I would love to live with my girlfriend as she is the best there is and our only real problem is not seeing enough of eachother. (well, there'll be other problems along, but getting through problems is what a relationship is all about and that journey can be quite interesting. I want to share life and it's experiences with her.) But I can't live here anymore. It's slowly grinding away at me, being here.

I want to continue being good at my job. Damn that job. Sometimes, when everyone is being an ass I really, really hate it. But... teaching the guitar is awesome. I love my instrument, I love music, and I love teaching. I just wish that I could do it on a grand scale. I admit that I dream about working with my good friend Mr.Gul. We could so do IAs FGS for him. We know that shit.

As I'm moving out, I most probably won't have access to this computer anymore. Which is sad, as I own half of it, but the really hard part is that it'd put a new hamper on me recording my music. All the songs I've written for the band, now Silence Reversed, are just waiting for me. I can do it. It's great stuff. But, I've been weedling about for years, not getting around to it, because I'm scared. And I'd hate, hate, hate to have the oppertunity taken away from me. Although... I could just try and buy a computer of my own... Me, creating problems, that don't really exist.

Taekwon-Do. I was a active martial arts student for almost two years. The second year I lost 20kg of weight. I now weigh about 80kg. There's some 5-10kg left to get rid of. And... I loved doing it, I was getting good at it. But the job, illness and a really, really mentaly straining course made it, not to hard to go, but made it so easy not to go. I just wish that I can get Eli or anyone I know to come along and do it. There are so many male jocks there and it's actually hard making friends.

Last, I so wish that I'd be able to socialise more with my friends. We're all so busy now with school in diffrent ways... sure, moving out will probably help. But I've been an ass, not wanting to go along to certain things. I need a serious kick in the ass. And I wish that I could reset peoples thoughts upon what I will and will not do.

So this is a call for help... but I know most people stand slightly frightened at this kind of onslaught of bad mental health.

I need to talk with people, with all of my friends. I need to spend time with you. I need to tell my story. I need to be asked by you. I need more of the awful truths about myself. I need more of the everyday plain truths about myself. I need to be needed. I need cheering on. I need to be yelled at when I slip up and do bad things to myself.

I don't need that anyone cares. But it sure does help. I really could use some being loved and getting told that. Because, sadly, even though I should, I don't know that you do. Because, well, I'm ill and can't yet accept that. Remind me that I'm wrong. I do feel disgusting just for asking this. Bur... it would make my, journey, easier.

Writing this has been really, really hard. It didn't turn out as I thought, it doesn't contain everything, but... I hope it's enough. And I feel a bit more light-hearted after writing it down.

I want to live my life.

Testing 123

This is, interesting. I created the blog with a swedish name, but then I realise how many non-swedish talking friends I have.

So.

I guess I'm going english. Or maybe I'll go bilingual. Or who cares. It's most probably just going to be ranting and whining about my mental health anyway.

As I work my slow way towards my inner revolution.

That's a song reference right there. Oh, the deepness.