Damn it's been good to just Relax.
But it didn't last.
Dammit.
I am pretty sure I beat the exam. Someone will have to spill plenty of coffée on that thing to make it fail.
Had a very fitful sleep. I kept thinking it was the day before and that I had to get up early. Spent the day cleaning up, handling paper, packing a bit more, deciding that I'm not running of to the post office and that stuff. Save it until tomorrow.
Played some rock and blues, damn that's fun. But I always feel childish whilst doing it. I need more practice.
But a great day ends with arguments here at home. And I'm feeling terribly alone. Nobody bloody calls. All friends are going off to far off places.
And it's really, really annoying that I can't find a car to help with fetching the new computor. Ah, well. I've got Carl... we'll manhandle the thing homewards.
torsdag 20 december 2007
tisdag 18 december 2007
Writing to get it off my mind
Exam tomorrow.
I've been following stuff, I've been studying. Right now... I feel like I just don't give a shit. Holy crap this is boring. If you could study it slowly and get to go through this stuff more practically and experiment, it'd be really interesting. But abstract physics? Blurgh.
And even though I've been through everything during this week. I need to speed through it again to have it fresh in my memory.
But I'm all hazy. I just want to sleep, go hide or something. I've had really weird rythm all week. I can't sleep because of anexiety, although, again, better this time. But I'm just... out there and can't focus anymore. I wonder if I should just go fuck it, play some games, and then just go and do my best. Or cram like mad until I need to go.
Maybe I should do something inbetween.
On a completly unrelated up-note. IT'S BACK!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0jSxRBvh3bk
One of the damn funniest videos ever. Good times to be had by all!
I've been following stuff, I've been studying. Right now... I feel like I just don't give a shit. Holy crap this is boring. If you could study it slowly and get to go through this stuff more practically and experiment, it'd be really interesting. But abstract physics? Blurgh.
And even though I've been through everything during this week. I need to speed through it again to have it fresh in my memory.
But I'm all hazy. I just want to sleep, go hide or something. I've had really weird rythm all week. I can't sleep because of anexiety, although, again, better this time. But I'm just... out there and can't focus anymore. I wonder if I should just go fuck it, play some games, and then just go and do my best. Or cram like mad until I need to go.
Maybe I should do something inbetween.
On a completly unrelated up-note. IT'S BACK!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0jSxRBvh3bk
One of the damn funniest videos ever. Good times to be had by all!
torsdag 13 december 2007
Packing
Got five days until the exam. And I've been pretty good at studying. But you can always do more. *sigh* I'm scared. Really scared.
And I just keep getting the feeling that I'm forgetting and missing so many things concerning moving. And I'm getting more and more worried about the financial aspects of it all. I'm trying so hard to push it all to the back of my head and just live in the now and do what I can.
I can't remember when I last saw Alex. And she's swamped with school, and sick at the moment. She's really down, can't see any openings or any time to see me, she can't focus on anything fun... and is in a period of feeling like utter crap and that people don't like her.
It's really, really hard to be supportive, call and try and say hi and make what you can out of a phone call. I need to figure out some way to cheer her up. And I need to figure out a way to cheer me up. Mr. Gul, dood, you've been the greatest for that. And thank you again.
But I need to meet people, and do things as well. Argh.
And I just keep getting the feeling that I'm forgetting and missing so many things concerning moving. And I'm getting more and more worried about the financial aspects of it all. I'm trying so hard to push it all to the back of my head and just live in the now and do what I can.
I can't remember when I last saw Alex. And she's swamped with school, and sick at the moment. She's really down, can't see any openings or any time to see me, she can't focus on anything fun... and is in a period of feeling like utter crap and that people don't like her.
It's really, really hard to be supportive, call and try and say hi and make what you can out of a phone call. I need to figure out some way to cheer her up. And I need to figure out a way to cheer me up. Mr. Gul, dood, you've been the greatest for that. And thank you again.
But I need to meet people, and do things as well. Argh.
onsdag 12 december 2007
Horrible day
First, I am pissed at myself. I wrote us down on the wrong lab sheet for the wrong day and managed to write that down in my notebook wrong as well. So I got up early as shit, and then didn't even get to do the lab. And then it took like three hours to get home, because EVERY DAMN TRAIN LINE WAS DOWN. And none of the emergency busses turned out to be working. Fun. And of course, even the commutor train to work was 45 minutes late.
But the most annoying bit is that I've found myself going around and berrating myself again, calling myself a idiot and being so damned dissapointed in myself for one little misstake.
I'm not happy today.
But the most annoying bit is that I've found myself going around and berrating myself again, calling myself a idiot and being so damned dissapointed in myself for one little misstake.
I'm not happy today.
söndag 9 december 2007
Thank you
I need to say thanks to H for loaning me about 20 moving boxes. And huge thanks to the mystery man, whos face I vagule remember seeing on the street during the last 20 years who helped me carry the lot home when my arms finally gave out on me. Helping strangers in the street. Thank you for that. I wonder if I've cashed in some karma, as I do my best to be helpful when I see people in need.
Now, I need to mail and mess-age around and make sure people are hip to the moving plans and see who won't mind helping out. 3 of january everybody, yell my way so I can make a list. I'll need people at Lappis and at Sandfjärdsgatan.
Now, I need to mail and mess-age around and make sure people are hip to the moving plans and see who won't mind helping out. 3 of january everybody, yell my way so I can make a list. I'll need people at Lappis and at Sandfjärdsgatan.
måndag 3 december 2007
Older and birthday pains
So, 25 ey?
I'm nowhere near where I'd wished I'd be by 25. I hoped to have a gigging band and be about to finish my university studies about now. And that I'd be able to have a real apparment, or be looking for a house about now.
I'm instead only halfway through studies, although getting better at it. I don't even have a rehersing band, let alone a gigging one. I'm moving to a students room that I can only afford by overworking myself beyond my limits.
And, as is rather normal for me about this time of year, I start thinking about the past. And especially about H and S and what happened around the B-day date. I feel a urge to meet them, hang out and talk. I'm still trying to formulate that to myself, why I feel like this. But, I was really hurt, for stupid reasons. And... in so many ways it's sad how things are now.
I want to feel that I still matter, that it wasn't all for naught. I want to be important to them. Because, they're important to me. Because of who they are, who they were, and what they've meant to me.
And speaking of matters of the heart. I am really not enjoying that me and A have to much to do. I want to have a relationship. And a couple of hours some third or fourth week isn't one. I am so much in love, and she's so great. But we damn well deserve to have more of eachother. I get tired of myself because I keep being, well, nervous, when we meet. I don't know... sometimes I just don't feel that I really get to know her, and not seeing much of her is definatly a part of that. And the other part is certainly me. A part I don't like. I love her, and I want her, but for some reason I can't let myself take her, for me. Something I so thought I'd gotten past. But... with her, it's a block, again. Although, as far as I can ascertain, it's only with her.
I need fun, chocolate, a serious massage, and a holiday.
I'm nowhere near where I'd wished I'd be by 25. I hoped to have a gigging band and be about to finish my university studies about now. And that I'd be able to have a real apparment, or be looking for a house about now.
I'm instead only halfway through studies, although getting better at it. I don't even have a rehersing band, let alone a gigging one. I'm moving to a students room that I can only afford by overworking myself beyond my limits.
And, as is rather normal for me about this time of year, I start thinking about the past. And especially about H and S and what happened around the B-day date. I feel a urge to meet them, hang out and talk. I'm still trying to formulate that to myself, why I feel like this. But, I was really hurt, for stupid reasons. And... in so many ways it's sad how things are now.
I want to feel that I still matter, that it wasn't all for naught. I want to be important to them. Because, they're important to me. Because of who they are, who they were, and what they've meant to me.
And speaking of matters of the heart. I am really not enjoying that me and A have to much to do. I want to have a relationship. And a couple of hours some third or fourth week isn't one. I am so much in love, and she's so great. But we damn well deserve to have more of eachother. I get tired of myself because I keep being, well, nervous, when we meet. I don't know... sometimes I just don't feel that I really get to know her, and not seeing much of her is definatly a part of that. And the other part is certainly me. A part I don't like. I love her, and I want her, but for some reason I can't let myself take her, for me. Something I so thought I'd gotten past. But... with her, it's a block, again. Although, as far as I can ascertain, it's only with her.
I need fun, chocolate, a serious massage, and a holiday.
onsdag 28 november 2007
Birthday Dethday
Many years ago something grew inside of your mother.
That thing was You
You
You, You, You, You
Did she scream did she cry
Only those who are born
are the ones who get to Die
One more year closer to dying
Rotting organs ripping grinding
Biological disconcordance
Birthday equals self-abhorrence
Years keep passing aging always
Mutate into vapid slugs
Doctor gives a new prescription
Bullet in a fucking gun
One more year closer to dying
Plastic surgeons fuel the lying
You forget why you came in here
Your mind rots with every New Year
RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life
Happy birthday
You're gonna die
Now you're old and full of hatred
Take a pill to masturbated
Children point to you and scream
Because one day they'll become that thing
One more year of further suffering
there's no point of fucking bluffing
Open up your Dethday present
It's a box of fucking nothing
RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life
Die Die
Dethday
Birthday
Dethday
Die Die
Dethday
Birthday
Dethday
RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life
Happy Birthday
You're gonna die
___________________________________
Tomorrow it is. And I get up at 05:45, go to school. And then go to work. I get home at 22:30 at the earliest.
Thanks Dethklok.
That thing was You
You
You, You, You, You
Did she scream did she cry
Only those who are born
are the ones who get to Die
One more year closer to dying
Rotting organs ripping grinding
Biological disconcordance
Birthday equals self-abhorrence
Years keep passing aging always
Mutate into vapid slugs
Doctor gives a new prescription
Bullet in a fucking gun
One more year closer to dying
Plastic surgeons fuel the lying
You forget why you came in here
Your mind rots with every New Year
RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life
Happy birthday
You're gonna die
Now you're old and full of hatred
Take a pill to masturbated
Children point to you and scream
Because one day they'll become that thing
One more year of further suffering
there's no point of fucking bluffing
Open up your Dethday present
It's a box of fucking nothing
RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life
Die Die
Dethday
Birthday
Dethday
Die Die
Dethday
Birthday
Dethday
RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life
Happy Birthday
You're gonna die
___________________________________
Tomorrow it is. And I get up at 05:45, go to school. And then go to work. I get home at 22:30 at the earliest.
Thanks Dethklok.
torsdag 22 november 2007
onsdag 21 november 2007
Appartment
So, yesterday I got my contract. The second of febuary I can move in.
So much to do.
Especially the bit about getting a car and the bit about hiring a cart, and getting a computer of my own, and moving boxes, and home insuerance, and what furniture to bring, and... and... argh...
I'm also getting annoyed with the laser course. Dammit. I feel like I don't remember a thing. And every time I sit down to work on it, I start getting a panic attack.
And as I will be moving, now I want to pack. I want to pack everything up right now so it will be ready.
A lucky coincidence, the guitar I ordered might be arriving by next week. The guy working with me at the reclamation center has been really good to me and actually dug up a guitar even though they weren't supposed to get it in until march. So I'll cross my fingers that it'll all work out.
I wonder. I spent my saturday evening giving Alex massage. (love, love, love...) but, when I woke up today. I thought I'd snap in half. I've been stressing around and I feel like crap so it's not strange. I need some.
So much to do.
Especially the bit about getting a car and the bit about hiring a cart, and getting a computer of my own, and moving boxes, and home insuerance, and what furniture to bring, and... and... argh...
I'm also getting annoyed with the laser course. Dammit. I feel like I don't remember a thing. And every time I sit down to work on it, I start getting a panic attack.
And as I will be moving, now I want to pack. I want to pack everything up right now so it will be ready.
A lucky coincidence, the guitar I ordered might be arriving by next week. The guy working with me at the reclamation center has been really good to me and actually dug up a guitar even though they weren't supposed to get it in until march. So I'll cross my fingers that it'll all work out.
I wonder. I spent my saturday evening giving Alex massage. (love, love, love...) but, when I woke up today. I thought I'd snap in half. I've been stressing around and I feel like crap so it's not strange. I need some.
söndag 11 november 2007
Cold
Everything is cold and I'm feeling numb.
I'm fighting with a small ball of panic. I don't know what to do. I'm desperatly trying to relax. But I keep coughing. And being anxious.
Maybe I could go to TKD today. But the cough is still a bit to bad. Next week? At least the sinew in my leg seems fine.
Maybe I could go for a walk, that relives stress. Listen to a Pratchett book. But it's so cold. On the other hand, I need to go shopping for granddad.
I miss Alex. Anexiety, technical difficulties and just all bloody stress from school has sunk or plans to see eachother for months. I need her.
Every little small thing that needs doing feels huge, gigantic. I hate that feeling. As it's all small and generally easy. But I get anexiety at home. And I get it from the bloody exams that I need to pass. And... weather I've passed the one I did a month ago, or not, will really, really affect me. To think that I'll have to re-do it. Again. I... can't accept that. Not when I worked so bloody hard on it.
I'm fighting with a small ball of panic. I don't know what to do. I'm desperatly trying to relax. But I keep coughing. And being anxious.
Maybe I could go to TKD today. But the cough is still a bit to bad. Next week? At least the sinew in my leg seems fine.
Maybe I could go for a walk, that relives stress. Listen to a Pratchett book. But it's so cold. On the other hand, I need to go shopping for granddad.
I miss Alex. Anexiety, technical difficulties and just all bloody stress from school has sunk or plans to see eachother for months. I need her.
Every little small thing that needs doing feels huge, gigantic. I hate that feeling. As it's all small and generally easy. But I get anexiety at home. And I get it from the bloody exams that I need to pass. And... weather I've passed the one I did a month ago, or not, will really, really affect me. To think that I'll have to re-do it. Again. I... can't accept that. Not when I worked so bloody hard on it.
onsdag 7 november 2007
Just tired.
I am totaly out there. I'm having trouble separating the days. There's to much going on.
Still a week until I get to know the result of the exam. And that is a horrible naging thing in the back of my head. New course has started, with, of course, alot to do. I can miss some seminars, because I've got all the material written down since last time. But there is Alot to sit down and simply calculate through and number-crunch so I get back into the swing of it.
Still alot of annoyance concerning the reclamation of the guitar I bought now over three months ago.
I don't know... I'm in a state of panic. Without real good reason. But mom is managing to create a severly hostile feeling here at home. And I can't bloody well hurry up the appartment que. It is a que. And it's a really, really nice feeling to be totaly unwanted and wished out. For no apparent reason then that the other person is having trouble with herself.
And I can't seem to reach her or get her to understand what she's doing. It's just, not her anymore.
But, a bright side, that I'm holding on to for all I'm worth, is that in three weeks both tuesdays and thursdays should be free. The ten-week semester at work will be done for those courses. And from then on courses will be finishing every week. Sadly, all the way up until exam time, well, the day before. But, at least, it's less things to do. And hell, I've got six weeks to study for this exam. Which I last time only missed by 0.5 and 1.5 points, out of like 50. And I'll damn well stand up for myself and demand to get to do something to show that I know how, if I for some strange reason fail.
My good friend Kim just asked me if I'd like to try living with him for a couple of weeks, until things get... sorted out. I must admit to slight tears in my eyes. It feels really great that I have friends like this. In that respect, I am so lucky. And it's sad that I don't get to see much of them as we're all doing diffrent (and stressful) things now.
Still a week until I get to know the result of the exam. And that is a horrible naging thing in the back of my head. New course has started, with, of course, alot to do. I can miss some seminars, because I've got all the material written down since last time. But there is Alot to sit down and simply calculate through and number-crunch so I get back into the swing of it.
Still alot of annoyance concerning the reclamation of the guitar I bought now over three months ago.
I don't know... I'm in a state of panic. Without real good reason. But mom is managing to create a severly hostile feeling here at home. And I can't bloody well hurry up the appartment que. It is a que. And it's a really, really nice feeling to be totaly unwanted and wished out. For no apparent reason then that the other person is having trouble with herself.
And I can't seem to reach her or get her to understand what she's doing. It's just, not her anymore.
But, a bright side, that I'm holding on to for all I'm worth, is that in three weeks both tuesdays and thursdays should be free. The ten-week semester at work will be done for those courses. And from then on courses will be finishing every week. Sadly, all the way up until exam time, well, the day before. But, at least, it's less things to do. And hell, I've got six weeks to study for this exam. Which I last time only missed by 0.5 and 1.5 points, out of like 50. And I'll damn well stand up for myself and demand to get to do something to show that I know how, if I for some strange reason fail.
My good friend Kim just asked me if I'd like to try living with him for a couple of weeks, until things get... sorted out. I must admit to slight tears in my eyes. It feels really great that I have friends like this. In that respect, I am so lucky. And it's sad that I don't get to see much of them as we're all doing diffrent (and stressful) things now.
måndag 29 oktober 2007
Post exam week headache
Bwaaargh.
The exhaustion has continued for a week. And I've been ill. It's like, hard, just to go and make a cup of tea. If I havn't had to go to work or meet someone, I've been in bed, barely reading. I'm that tired.
I sorely wish that I'll perk up and be able to record a bit during this week, as I'm actually free all week.
*waves fists in the air* Dammit. I wanna play music. I want to be up and about. But now it's not a depression or anything, it's my damn body giving up on me.
*makes some spinache and shame soup* (that is water, with spinache and to-little potato mash powder in it, and then you add either chopped sausage or fishsticks... mmm... shame soup)
And outside, it rains, and rains, and... well. Rains. It's perpetual grayness distilled.
But, yes, it's easy to get caught in being pissed off at all this. I was able meet Alex twice this weekend. And things are great. (except the whole not-getting-to-spend-enough-time-with-eachother thing)
I want a whole weekend set aside, just for massage. And another one for pure romance. And one for tea and chocolate... and... and...
The exhaustion has continued for a week. And I've been ill. It's like, hard, just to go and make a cup of tea. If I havn't had to go to work or meet someone, I've been in bed, barely reading. I'm that tired.
I sorely wish that I'll perk up and be able to record a bit during this week, as I'm actually free all week.
*waves fists in the air* Dammit. I wanna play music. I want to be up and about. But now it's not a depression or anything, it's my damn body giving up on me.
*makes some spinache and shame soup* (that is water, with spinache and to-little potato mash powder in it, and then you add either chopped sausage or fishsticks... mmm... shame soup)
And outside, it rains, and rains, and... well. Rains. It's perpetual grayness distilled.
But, yes, it's easy to get caught in being pissed off at all this. I was able meet Alex twice this weekend. And things are great. (except the whole not-getting-to-spend-enough-time-with-eachother thing)
I want a whole weekend set aside, just for massage. And another one for pure romance. And one for tea and chocolate... and... and...
måndag 22 oktober 2007
Post exam headache
Got up at 06:00... went to the exam 08:00-13:00 rushed to work 15:00-21:30... just got home 22:40 something.
A long day. And I must have passed the damn exam. Although there were a few places where I can't say that I was certain of what they wanted. And you need 75% to pass it. It might get close. But if it does, I've got a whole bunch of things to argue with them about. Not to mention that I'll try to dare and demand to be able to do some sort of follow-up work on the bits I missed. But, I should be more confident. If I managed to pass the percentile, then I'm getting the one of the top grades.
Gawd. Everything is spinning and I, of course, feel like I'm having a cold coming on. Oh! *walks to kichten and gets tea*Umm... actually, I think I'll get some alvedon as well *goes back, limping* Gawd. Sprained all three muscles in my leg at tkd yesterday. I look like an idiot. I've got all kinds of cramps, unshaven, black rings around my eyes and a scowl of perpetual, hateful vindictivness.
Guess it can't be all that bad. My japanese teaching college asked for my msn and facebook stuff so we'd be able to keep in touch and talk more. I guess I must have managed to keep up some sort of coherrant speech.
Umm. I was going to rant some more. But I feel just bloody awful... I'm going to sip my tea and stare at the screen until I can manage to crawl to bed.
Gnight.
A long day. And I must have passed the damn exam. Although there were a few places where I can't say that I was certain of what they wanted. And you need 75% to pass it. It might get close. But if it does, I've got a whole bunch of things to argue with them about. Not to mention that I'll try to dare and demand to be able to do some sort of follow-up work on the bits I missed. But, I should be more confident. If I managed to pass the percentile, then I'm getting the one of the top grades.
Gawd. Everything is spinning and I, of course, feel like I'm having a cold coming on. Oh! *walks to kichten and gets tea*Umm... actually, I think I'll get some alvedon as well *goes back, limping* Gawd. Sprained all three muscles in my leg at tkd yesterday. I look like an idiot. I've got all kinds of cramps, unshaven, black rings around my eyes and a scowl of perpetual, hateful vindictivness.
Guess it can't be all that bad. My japanese teaching college asked for my msn and facebook stuff so we'd be able to keep in touch and talk more. I guess I must have managed to keep up some sort of coherrant speech.
Umm. I was going to rant some more. But I feel just bloody awful... I'm going to sip my tea and stare at the screen until I can manage to crawl to bed.
Gnight.
fredag 19 oktober 2007
Exam.
I must admit. That I'm dealing with the exam hundreds of times better then I've done before. But damn. I am totaly about to loose it. Now it's that feeling of tightness across the chest. The complete blank minde and the overwhelming urge to cry and scream.
And I need to take it easy and review alot of stuff during saturday and sunday. And, well, tonight. And it really feels like a complete impossibility. I know that the exam will mainly use the stuff from the seminars, so I need to go through the important bits of that. It's not hard. And I know alot of it already. But damn. My stomache is filled with ice and I can't think.
9 minutes until I need to be out the door. I'm brushing my teeth and trying to select some decent combination of clothing.
And I need to take it easy and review alot of stuff during saturday and sunday. And, well, tonight. And it really feels like a complete impossibility. I know that the exam will mainly use the stuff from the seminars, so I need to go through the important bits of that. It's not hard. And I know alot of it already. But damn. My stomache is filled with ice and I can't think.
9 minutes until I need to be out the door. I'm brushing my teeth and trying to select some decent combination of clothing.
tisdag 16 oktober 2007
So. Monday is the exam that finished and ends this course. And, I am back again to feeling limply scared and not sleeping well at all. My head is not a good place to visit right now.
And, I am noticing that I'm upset about the coming saturday. My gf is going out and I can't come along. Because of dresscode. I don't happen to have any fairytale clothes. (and alot of you go, wait, didn't he do larps, and yes, but see, the twist is...) And what I do have isn't the slightest bit Kinky. Which is the demand to get to enter.
And it's also the fact that suddenly, we're back at the fact that we'll have met only once in two months. And, that quite seriously just makes me want to cry. I can't help feeling completly unprioritised.
I'm trying to figure out how Not to completly freak out because of the damn exam. I'm not really getting anywhere. I'll print the stuff I need and then, just buckle down and keep reading. But I wish I could just feel a bit confident about the whole thing. I've read everything already and got a good grasp on it but...
And, I am noticing that I'm upset about the coming saturday. My gf is going out and I can't come along. Because of dresscode. I don't happen to have any fairytale clothes. (and alot of you go, wait, didn't he do larps, and yes, but see, the twist is...) And what I do have isn't the slightest bit Kinky. Which is the demand to get to enter.
And it's also the fact that suddenly, we're back at the fact that we'll have met only once in two months. And, that quite seriously just makes me want to cry. I can't help feeling completly unprioritised.
I'm trying to figure out how Not to completly freak out because of the damn exam. I'm not really getting anywhere. I'll print the stuff I need and then, just buckle down and keep reading. But I wish I could just feel a bit confident about the whole thing. I've read everything already and got a good grasp on it but...
fredag 12 oktober 2007
Blackouts and Deathsauce
The modem has been broken for a week, which resulted in sooo much extra work and hassle. And all work and no play is making Demi a very tired, sad and frustrated boy.
And still all that is left is buckling down and... continuing. Everyone is busy. Doesn't really matter if I can find a few hours free, there's noone to see anyway.
And still all that is left is buckling down and... continuing. Everyone is busy. Doesn't really matter if I can find a few hours free, there's noone to see anyway.
torsdag 4 oktober 2007
Fighting back
Bwargh, I'm so tired. I've had a headache all day. And I've been everywhere today. KTH, home, school and back.
But I'm fighting back. And Ling is really good company on the train. I have apparently been able to help her with her swedish some. She tried to get me started on chinise... big mistake. But I'm damn well going to try. I can't help feeling that it'd be so awesome to learn some languages. (which I've hated, hated, hated to learn before) But... again, time sort of... gets in... the way.
Oh, got my tickets for the FK gig. Now, ehr, to figure out How to get there. But, I've got until january to think of a plan.
Sunday, even though I'm totaly swamped in work, I'm going to meet my boys, and we're going to do some roleplaying. *yay!* I'm probably going to be dead, as it'll be from right after taekwon-do, but I'll be in good company.
But I'm fighting back. And Ling is really good company on the train. I have apparently been able to help her with her swedish some. She tried to get me started on chinise... big mistake. But I'm damn well going to try. I can't help feeling that it'd be so awesome to learn some languages. (which I've hated, hated, hated to learn before) But... again, time sort of... gets in... the way.
Oh, got my tickets for the FK gig. Now, ehr, to figure out How to get there. But, I've got until january to think of a plan.
Sunday, even though I'm totaly swamped in work, I'm going to meet my boys, and we're going to do some roleplaying. *yay!* I'm probably going to be dead, as it'll be from right after taekwon-do, but I'll be in good company.
onsdag 3 oktober 2007
Woke up grey.
Somehow I dropped the ball. I woke up and things were back to being grey, inside my head.
I'm really tired and worn. Heckofalot to do, as I've written so many times before. School, work and traveling inbetween nets me 60 hour weeks.
It's really tough to sit down and work on the school bits as the project feels so extremly braindead. And the course material to take in is just so massive. And I don't know where they'll put the bar on the exam. I could be underdoing it, or I could be overdoing it. But I'll have one, one and a half week to read through it all a second time.
I'm loved at work. I'm the guy who's always there. I'm the helpful one the other teachers turn to when things fuck up. I have the most popular courses. And then, I run into little eightyearold girls who spend their entire lessons trying to think of the most hurtful things they can say. And, I really can't do much about it. And I've already caught myself decending into pettyness and vindictivness when they do that. Next week, make the rules clear again. And if they missbehave, they'll get to leave. Damn it's just awful and painful to have those courses.
I'm really tired and worn. Heckofalot to do, as I've written so many times before. School, work and traveling inbetween nets me 60 hour weeks.
It's really tough to sit down and work on the school bits as the project feels so extremly braindead. And the course material to take in is just so massive. And I don't know where they'll put the bar on the exam. I could be underdoing it, or I could be overdoing it. But I'll have one, one and a half week to read through it all a second time.
I'm loved at work. I'm the guy who's always there. I'm the helpful one the other teachers turn to when things fuck up. I have the most popular courses. And then, I run into little eightyearold girls who spend their entire lessons trying to think of the most hurtful things they can say. And, I really can't do much about it. And I've already caught myself decending into pettyness and vindictivness when they do that. Next week, make the rules clear again. And if they missbehave, they'll get to leave. Damn it's just awful and painful to have those courses.
tisdag 2 oktober 2007
Dance, dance
Dammit. I want to have the time to be able to take dancing lessons with my girlfriend. Ok, she's not the biggest dancing person, and neither am I. But we've always had so much fun goofing around with it. And it just feels right. That will happen.
I am really, really starting to feel a need of a few days off. Gawd... there's sooo much going on every dang day.
I miss my friends, I miss my boys, I miss roleplaying, I miss... and it's only three weeks in.
Oh, and so many things I want to do. Sheesh... the locked in feeling is horrid.
Managed to book tickets to the Freak Kitchen vs Lindköping Jazz Orchestra gig. I'm really, really looking forward to that. 1 of march.
I am really, really starting to feel a need of a few days off. Gawd... there's sooo much going on every dang day.
I miss my friends, I miss my boys, I miss roleplaying, I miss... and it's only three weeks in.
Oh, and so many things I want to do. Sheesh... the locked in feeling is horrid.
Managed to book tickets to the Freak Kitchen vs Lindköping Jazz Orchestra gig. I'm really, really looking forward to that. 1 of march.
måndag 1 oktober 2007
Tank top
Sitting here with a big mug of water. Got a major headache from working, talking to much and not drinking enough.
I've been able to stay on top of myself. Only like now, being extremly tired and worn, do I feel the anexiety lurking. Three weeks to exam. Bwaaaaah...
I'm still pretty damn isolated. Everyone, especially me, is extremly busy.
Umm... I can't get around to even formulating my thoughts into some kind of coherency.
Gnight' y'all.
I've been able to stay on top of myself. Only like now, being extremly tired and worn, do I feel the anexiety lurking. Three weeks to exam. Bwaaaaah...
I'm still pretty damn isolated. Everyone, especially me, is extremly busy.
Umm... I can't get around to even formulating my thoughts into some kind of coherency.
Gnight' y'all.
torsdag 27 september 2007
Precious moments
Today, I... woke up happy.
Which is strange, as the evil constructionworkers made their noise, and a airconditioning inspector wanted to get into the appartment.
Today is one of those rare great days where I feel happy. It's so fickle and fleeting but I'm going to hold on for dear life.
Got to know yet another teacher on the train today. Ling, who teaches chinease. It's weird, I hang out with a bunch of language teachers. And the teacher in art history. Damn. I've gotten to know a bunch of really nice people. Hope I can get to know them better. We've got so little time outside the classrooms.
A drunk guy got on the train while I was conversing with Ling. And he wanted to talk to us. Dang, I was hard pressed to keep the guy occupied. He had slight aggressive tendensies, and wanted to talk politics, as he was a lobbyist. It's really weird to agree with someone in that state. But he got off finally. And I was called brave by my new friend. Thank you Ling. It's just sad how much experience I have calming down drunkies.
And now, sitting here, tired like mad, from a long day... I'm getting really scared about loosing this feeling. The feeling that I can actually do thing. And the continuing remembrance of all the good things I have around me.
Oh, and btw. Hot Fuzz, is like, the best film ever! And you better all go listen to Devin Townsend hardrock musical Ziltoid the Omniscient. Damn that's great stuff!
Which is strange, as the evil constructionworkers made their noise, and a airconditioning inspector wanted to get into the appartment.
Today is one of those rare great days where I feel happy. It's so fickle and fleeting but I'm going to hold on for dear life.
Got to know yet another teacher on the train today. Ling, who teaches chinease. It's weird, I hang out with a bunch of language teachers. And the teacher in art history. Damn. I've gotten to know a bunch of really nice people. Hope I can get to know them better. We've got so little time outside the classrooms.
A drunk guy got on the train while I was conversing with Ling. And he wanted to talk to us. Dang, I was hard pressed to keep the guy occupied. He had slight aggressive tendensies, and wanted to talk politics, as he was a lobbyist. It's really weird to agree with someone in that state. But he got off finally. And I was called brave by my new friend. Thank you Ling. It's just sad how much experience I have calming down drunkies.
And now, sitting here, tired like mad, from a long day... I'm getting really scared about loosing this feeling. The feeling that I can actually do thing. And the continuing remembrance of all the good things I have around me.
Oh, and btw. Hot Fuzz, is like, the best film ever! And you better all go listen to Devin Townsend hardrock musical Ziltoid the Omniscient. Damn that's great stuff!
lördag 22 september 2007
One week.
First week of work, done. Ten weeks in all to get through. And damn, it's tough. There's so damn much to read for this course. It's not that hard, it's just alot, and getting the mental strenght to read when your brain is melting from thinking about teaching.
The constant weird feeling at home is still here. I am not welcome here. So it's a constant downer wish zaps my energy.
But I can't help thinking if I should try to be... tactical about the appartment, and school. I'm actually having to sit on some not-yet-turned-in essays, so that if I fail courses in the future, I can hand them in and get the necessary points so I don't loose my financial support, or my coming appartment. And that's just... weird.
But, being good at my job is still a good feeling. And I can still feel that.
It'll be at least three weeks without Alex. Sucks. And their weird broken phone lines doesn't help. :/
And looking at how much I've got to to with the damn course... I can probably get half a day of per week, being saturday evenings. Ok, sure. I stop work on fridays at glorious seven o'clock. So I could do something then. Like, ehr... talk with strange people on the commutor train.
Argh. I keep knocking down one or two of the 'must get done things'. Still a bunch left, important e-mails, health stuff, etc. Not mentining that Thomann got very quiet about returning the guitar. Gawd dammit. But I need to get rid of these as they also help in bringing me down.
And then there's the isolation thing. I talk to just about one friend on a every other day basis, Linus. Because his computer is on, and he happens to be home at the same times as me. This is not good. Sure, I meet people at work. But that really isn't the same thing.
I don't know... I keep hoping that I'll get a few responses on this blogg. That someone else isn't quite as busy as me and might be able to fix up some roleplaying, or just a time to hang and say hi. But I know very well that I am the architect of my isolation and my mountain of commitments.
Tomorrow, taekwon-do, the one time per week I'll be able to go. And on friday, consert. Symphony X and Dream Theater. Two bands on my need to see list. Sadly, I don't think they'll be playing any of the music from the albums I know, but... oh well.
The constant weird feeling at home is still here. I am not welcome here. So it's a constant downer wish zaps my energy.
But I can't help thinking if I should try to be... tactical about the appartment, and school. I'm actually having to sit on some not-yet-turned-in essays, so that if I fail courses in the future, I can hand them in and get the necessary points so I don't loose my financial support, or my coming appartment. And that's just... weird.
But, being good at my job is still a good feeling. And I can still feel that.
It'll be at least three weeks without Alex. Sucks. And their weird broken phone lines doesn't help. :/
And looking at how much I've got to to with the damn course... I can probably get half a day of per week, being saturday evenings. Ok, sure. I stop work on fridays at glorious seven o'clock. So I could do something then. Like, ehr... talk with strange people on the commutor train.
Argh. I keep knocking down one or two of the 'must get done things'. Still a bunch left, important e-mails, health stuff, etc. Not mentining that Thomann got very quiet about returning the guitar. Gawd dammit. But I need to get rid of these as they also help in bringing me down.
And then there's the isolation thing. I talk to just about one friend on a every other day basis, Linus. Because his computer is on, and he happens to be home at the same times as me. This is not good. Sure, I meet people at work. But that really isn't the same thing.
I don't know... I keep hoping that I'll get a few responses on this blogg. That someone else isn't quite as busy as me and might be able to fix up some roleplaying, or just a time to hang and say hi. But I know very well that I am the architect of my isolation and my mountain of commitments.
Tomorrow, taekwon-do, the one time per week I'll be able to go. And on friday, consert. Symphony X and Dream Theater. Two bands on my need to see list. Sadly, I don't think they'll be playing any of the music from the albums I know, but... oh well.
måndag 17 september 2007
I'm great at my job.
Damnit, I'm a real great guy to work with. And I am a good teacher.
How come I have all these great experiences when out working, but just about only horrible ones whilst studying? (not to mention that I've read for about three hours today, double what I planned and needed.)
It's all going great. Knock on wood.
Gawd, but there's still all those things to do...
Tomorrow I'm going to have to call down to germany about returning the broken guitar. Argh. If they don't handle this smoothly, I'll flip my lid, blow my top, kick someone in the head. Hard.
Oh, and I'm going to have to admit to some bad thoughts. During my long-ass wait-around-for-my-next-class-to-beginn time, a ran around and helped other teachers get their stuff toghether and get ready. Most have never been in those rooms before. When... I run into... 'that' person. A small quiet japanese girl who teaches, duh, japanese. But hot damn, she was so stereotypically sweet. (that's not a bad stereotype! you just don't see them to often!) Helped her get settled, and then we were finished at the same time and shared a train home. Meiumi (trying to remember a teachers name amongst all my students, Hard!) She's a really cool person, I hope to get more oppertunities to talk to her. Well, heck, I strike people as a stereotypical viking. It'd be fun to watch as walking down the street.
Now, a general question to everyone... What does it mean when your girlfriend tells you she's had brittish homoerotic sessions with a friend of hers, and she thinks that she and I should have those as well?
I belive there's a couple of problems with those statements. X and Y cromosomes for a start. There's some internal humor at work which I am yet to, penetrate.
How come I have all these great experiences when out working, but just about only horrible ones whilst studying? (not to mention that I've read for about three hours today, double what I planned and needed.)
It's all going great. Knock on wood.
Gawd, but there's still all those things to do...
Tomorrow I'm going to have to call down to germany about returning the broken guitar. Argh. If they don't handle this smoothly, I'll flip my lid, blow my top, kick someone in the head. Hard.
Oh, and I'm going to have to admit to some bad thoughts. During my long-ass wait-around-for-my-next-class-to-beginn time, a ran around and helped other teachers get their stuff toghether and get ready. Most have never been in those rooms before. When... I run into... 'that' person. A small quiet japanese girl who teaches, duh, japanese. But hot damn, she was so stereotypically sweet. (that's not a bad stereotype! you just don't see them to often!) Helped her get settled, and then we were finished at the same time and shared a train home. Meiumi (trying to remember a teachers name amongst all my students, Hard!) She's a really cool person, I hope to get more oppertunities to talk to her. Well, heck, I strike people as a stereotypical viking. It'd be fun to watch as walking down the street.
Now, a general question to everyone... What does it mean when your girlfriend tells you she's had brittish homoerotic sessions with a friend of hers, and she thinks that she and I should have those as well?
I belive there's a couple of problems with those statements. X and Y cromosomes for a start. There's some internal humor at work which I am yet to, penetrate.
söndag 16 september 2007
Where's my guitar revisited
So, I was able to pick up my package, a month after ordering it, this friday.
12kg of package goodness.
Opening everything, it all looks good.
But no. The guitar is busted on arrival. And it actually looks like it's a dry-crack. (Hence the guitar having been built badly, and the wood dries out and cracks.) So... the mess still isn't over.
This is not funny anymore. Seriously.
Gotten my course stuff toghether. Started working on everything. Already getting annoyed that my project mates aren't reading their e-mail and doing their work on time.
And tomorrow, it's time for work. And it's work with a huuuge wait in the middle. 15:45-16:30 I work, and then... argh... 19:30 to 21:00. I'm gonna have to bring all my litterature. And something to keep me entertained in the middle.
I belive I'm going to have to start searching for a computer of my own. I trying to figure out whether a laptop or a desktop will be better for my needs. KTH might have some special offers on laptops for students... argh... it's another complex thing that I need to look into.
As I do own a laptop already, but it's got alot of glitches and it likes to shut down for no reason. Hmm.
The death of my stereo is also a big concern. The tape deck hasn't been working for years... but when the cd player dies, and I only own one LP... then it's time to say goodbye. Sadly.
12kg of package goodness.
Opening everything, it all looks good.
But no. The guitar is busted on arrival. And it actually looks like it's a dry-crack. (Hence the guitar having been built badly, and the wood dries out and cracks.) So... the mess still isn't over.
This is not funny anymore. Seriously.
Gotten my course stuff toghether. Started working on everything. Already getting annoyed that my project mates aren't reading their e-mail and doing their work on time.
And tomorrow, it's time for work. And it's work with a huuuge wait in the middle. 15:45-16:30 I work, and then... argh... 19:30 to 21:00. I'm gonna have to bring all my litterature. And something to keep me entertained in the middle.
I belive I'm going to have to start searching for a computer of my own. I trying to figure out whether a laptop or a desktop will be better for my needs. KTH might have some special offers on laptops for students... argh... it's another complex thing that I need to look into.
As I do own a laptop already, but it's got alot of glitches and it likes to shut down for no reason. Hmm.
The death of my stereo is also a big concern. The tape deck hasn't been working for years... but when the cd player dies, and I only own one LP... then it's time to say goodbye. Sadly.
torsdag 13 september 2007
Monday, the third start.
Taekwon-do started, and it all went well. I'm right now dripping dry from a late bath. It was a great workout today. I'm going to be sore and tired. Heck, I am sore and tired. But, as the third start comes monday, I'll be limited to training TKD on sundays. Serious bummer. I've been attending 3-4 times per week... It really does me good, and I'd really enjoy getting good. Not mentioning that my body craves it.
School was, and still is, a bit of a rollercoaster... I've got my courses down for the fall, finaly, although got a very beurocratic e-mail just now, that someone, somewhere, hasn't registered something. And I'd be damned if I know what, but it's apparently important.
Got alot of small annoying things that need sorting out. I need to bring my amp and gear back home from the rehersal room. I don't like it standing there and me not being able to supervise. Gotta mess with the post to get my package sent to me, as they keep sending it back to Malmö or out of the country. Smart people. Need to get in conntact with Studenthälsan, for help with facing exams. Need to go to the dentist, and a normal medical doctor. Still alot of stuff I need to clear up for moving out (where the hell do you buy moving boxes, seriously?) Oh, and my stereo exploded and died. Hard toll on the audiofile.
Argh, and I need to get to play music, with a band again, I don't care what, I just need to. I'm falling apart. And I need to practice more, and record more, and I want to work more with Linus on the tab-book, and start doing pedagogical drafts for the guitar school idea, and the tribute projects... FAQ! There's so much to do.
But, in all fairness, I've actually been good at doing shit this week. There's just, alot, to do with the new course. 8-10 pages report to write for the huge ass project, and there's a written exam... with five books to memorise, and all the frigging seminars. That's mad for such a small course.
But, monday starts work. 10 weeks. With a one week break in the middle apparently. School is out for the kiddies... and, heck, it'll be good with a short break in the middle.
Otherwise, I'm really obsessing about getting all my reading for the course done. Damn it's scary. I'm trying to find ways to control it.
School was, and still is, a bit of a rollercoaster... I've got my courses down for the fall, finaly, although got a very beurocratic e-mail just now, that someone, somewhere, hasn't registered something. And I'd be damned if I know what, but it's apparently important.
Got alot of small annoying things that need sorting out. I need to bring my amp and gear back home from the rehersal room. I don't like it standing there and me not being able to supervise. Gotta mess with the post to get my package sent to me, as they keep sending it back to Malmö or out of the country. Smart people. Need to get in conntact with Studenthälsan, for help with facing exams. Need to go to the dentist, and a normal medical doctor. Still alot of stuff I need to clear up for moving out (where the hell do you buy moving boxes, seriously?) Oh, and my stereo exploded and died. Hard toll on the audiofile.
Argh, and I need to get to play music, with a band again, I don't care what, I just need to. I'm falling apart. And I need to practice more, and record more, and I want to work more with Linus on the tab-book, and start doing pedagogical drafts for the guitar school idea, and the tribute projects... FAQ! There's so much to do.
But, in all fairness, I've actually been good at doing shit this week. There's just, alot, to do with the new course. 8-10 pages report to write for the huge ass project, and there's a written exam... with five books to memorise, and all the frigging seminars. That's mad for such a small course.
But, monday starts work. 10 weeks. With a one week break in the middle apparently. School is out for the kiddies... and, heck, it'll be good with a short break in the middle.
Otherwise, I'm really obsessing about getting all my reading for the course done. Damn it's scary. I'm trying to find ways to control it.
söndag 2 september 2007
Starts
Tomorrow it's back to KTH.
Isodonwannago! Or, well. It's the change of getting back into constantly doing shit. Instead of... not doing shit.
Or maybe it's just the major headache I'm having right now that's getting me down. Bleh.
Thursday I was back at Taekwon-do. Good stuff. Being tired like that is good. But I did get very annoyed at all the small ways the body won't do as told.
Argh. There's just so much stuff to do. And I've been great at putting things off.
List.
Prioritise.
Check off one by one.
Must stop making things more difficult then they are.
But I'm tired and I feel a bit ill actually. I was going to go train today but I don't want to get sick.
I got to have a wonderful day with Alex yesterday. We met up downtown and I went with her looking at shoes and clothes. It's surprising that we most of the time agree on what looks good and not. And it's just wonderful to walk around, diss the way people have designed things... I got to hear some really important things I needed to hear. And they became important and powerful because I didn't need to ask for them or explain. Thank you. I need that. The day ended with watching Riget II with her family. And then spending two hours looking at pictures of horrible diseases on the internet. I almost faint at every single image, but to her it's fascinating in that weird academic medicinal way.
*love*
*tingle*
Argh, got half a page left on the last essay thing I'm writing. I just wish I could get rid of the headache and finish working on it.
Isodonwannago! Or, well. It's the change of getting back into constantly doing shit. Instead of... not doing shit.
Or maybe it's just the major headache I'm having right now that's getting me down. Bleh.
Thursday I was back at Taekwon-do. Good stuff. Being tired like that is good. But I did get very annoyed at all the small ways the body won't do as told.
Argh. There's just so much stuff to do. And I've been great at putting things off.
List.
Prioritise.
Check off one by one.
Must stop making things more difficult then they are.
But I'm tired and I feel a bit ill actually. I was going to go train today but I don't want to get sick.
I got to have a wonderful day with Alex yesterday. We met up downtown and I went with her looking at shoes and clothes. It's surprising that we most of the time agree on what looks good and not. And it's just wonderful to walk around, diss the way people have designed things... I got to hear some really important things I needed to hear. And they became important and powerful because I didn't need to ask for them or explain. Thank you. I need that. The day ended with watching Riget II with her family. And then spending two hours looking at pictures of horrible diseases on the internet. I almost faint at every single image, but to her it's fascinating in that weird academic medicinal way.
*love*
*tingle*
Argh, got half a page left on the last essay thing I'm writing. I just wish I could get rid of the headache and finish working on it.
onsdag 29 augusti 2007
Where is my guitar?
I'm really starting to wonder if the swedish toll has decided to test-drive my guitar for a bit. It does not take over a week for a package to go from germany to sweden. I know that from previous experience. *grrr*
Tomorrow, I'll be going back to Taekwon-do. I will do my best to not fall into my regular trap. Going at it as if I havn't been away. Resulting in being so dead that I'll miss one or two sessions. I'll have to admit that I'm a bit scared of going back. Because I just hate all the small details I'll have forgotten.
Yesterday I finished one of the two small essays concerning mathematical didactics. It's, sadly, extremly boring.
Looking at appartments, there seems to be some openings. *crosses fingers*
Tomorrow, I'll be going back to Taekwon-do. I will do my best to not fall into my regular trap. Going at it as if I havn't been away. Resulting in being so dead that I'll miss one or two sessions. I'll have to admit that I'm a bit scared of going back. Because I just hate all the small details I'll have forgotten.
Yesterday I finished one of the two small essays concerning mathematical didactics. It's, sadly, extremly boring.
Looking at appartments, there seems to be some openings. *crosses fingers*
måndag 27 augusti 2007
Scared
I so wish I could figure out a way to handle myself. Seven days until the math course starts. And my body is seriously reacting to the anexiety.
It was just horribly difficult trying to fall asleep yesterday. And I burned myself on my nightlight, tossing and turning.
The emotions become so big that I can't focus on anything else. Like, actually doing things.
I demand so much of myself. Wish so much from myself. But all this... pressure... makes me unable.
It was just horribly difficult trying to fall asleep yesterday. And I burned myself on my nightlight, tossing and turning.
The emotions become so big that I can't focus on anything else. Like, actually doing things.
I demand so much of myself. Wish so much from myself. But all this... pressure... makes me unable.
lördag 18 augusti 2007
Bank and Sleep
I've sat around writing on these two small esseys. I'm having trouble getting going, as I want a good idea. I hate just writing something for the sake of it being something. Which sure ain't easy when we get alot of meaningless essay topics.
Went to the bank yesterday, on my way to my gfs. I had gathered a whole bunch of things that I needed to do there. OMG. I got stuck there in line for two hours. And then I was sent away to read up on how to fill out the forms for international transactions. I don't want to know that. I want the damn bank to fix that for me. Argh. And then both the train and the bus was of course delayed. And for some reason my phone wouldn't connect to the network, so I couldn't call and say I was going to be late.
It felt excedingly good to get to be with her. Everything is so messed up right now. *sparkles*
Today has been a sit around day though. Slowly, slowly working on the writing. And watching a few series in the meantime. I've been really tired from the mental straining, and I've actually been walking and cycling alot.
I seriously need to play music with other people. It's been a year. And playing with my students doesn't really count. I've been practicing like mad. Good. Good. Good. But, I need inspiration and a ballplank.
Went to the bank yesterday, on my way to my gfs. I had gathered a whole bunch of things that I needed to do there. OMG. I got stuck there in line for two hours. And then I was sent away to read up on how to fill out the forms for international transactions. I don't want to know that. I want the damn bank to fix that for me. Argh. And then both the train and the bus was of course delayed. And for some reason my phone wouldn't connect to the network, so I couldn't call and say I was going to be late.
It felt excedingly good to get to be with her. Everything is so messed up right now. *sparkles*
Today has been a sit around day though. Slowly, slowly working on the writing. And watching a few series in the meantime. I've been really tired from the mental straining, and I've actually been walking and cycling alot.
I seriously need to play music with other people. It's been a year. And playing with my students doesn't really count. I've been practicing like mad. Good. Good. Good. But, I need inspiration and a ballplank.
torsdag 16 augusti 2007
Ät HatHelikopter och Dö!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clOaqRM6EDM
Dethalbum released on sept 25. And Dethklok will be going on tour. The second cartoon band that plays for real?
Seriously, this is the only time ever I get Really evil metal. Damn this is brutal, cool, and extremly funny.
So, the day. Went through the next book. Damn, that was really uninteresting and not the info I needed, so I ended up flipping through it in an hour. I think I have all I need to write it. So, now I just need som undisturbed time at the computer.
There's still a really weird feeling here at home. Built the other cd-rack for mom. I've just been sighing sadly and looking at all the un-availible appartments.
Dethalbum released on sept 25. And Dethklok will be going on tour. The second cartoon band that plays for real?
Seriously, this is the only time ever I get Really evil metal. Damn this is brutal, cool, and extremly funny.
So, the day. Went through the next book. Damn, that was really uninteresting and not the info I needed, so I ended up flipping through it in an hour. I think I have all I need to write it. So, now I just need som undisturbed time at the computer.
There's still a really weird feeling here at home. Built the other cd-rack for mom. I've just been sighing sadly and looking at all the un-availible appartments.
onsdag 15 augusti 2007
Slightly unproductive
Today I didn't get alot done. I awoke late, made food (without running water, mind you). Cleaned and vacuumed the place. (and built a cd-rack for mom) and... that was it, really.
Then I went for a walk at 16:45 and got home about 23:30... I had the luck to hook up with a good friend and have philosofical discussions about life. The talk felt really rewarding.
Now, I sit here, staring at the numbers and deducing my chanses for when I'll be able to get a appartment.
I can't live here. It's all gone really bad. And I, really can't write about it here.
Tomorrow, read through next boring book, and go to bank. And hopefully, send a bunch of important e-mails.
Then I went for a walk at 16:45 and got home about 23:30... I had the luck to hook up with a good friend and have philosofical discussions about life. The talk felt really rewarding.
Now, I sit here, staring at the numbers and deducing my chanses for when I'll be able to get a appartment.
I can't live here. It's all gone really bad. And I, really can't write about it here.
Tomorrow, read through next boring book, and go to bank. And hopefully, send a bunch of important e-mails.
Strong beer?
In swedish, harmful narcotics and drugs are summerised with the word 'knark'. It's used in the same way that english say 'to do drugs'.
That makes this, very, very funny.
http://www.duelundbryglade.com/knark.html
That makes this, very, very funny.
http://www.duelundbryglade.com/knark.html
tisdag 14 augusti 2007
So, if I write about my accomplishments each day, will that help build a more positive structure within my mind? It's a old technique, recommended by most. Ah, well.
Today was rather annoying, I got up just after 9 in the morning, which was the time the build crew decided to turn of all our water. No tea = angryily annoyed and dangerous Demian. And no water = kind of funky smelling Demian.
Got myself awake by watching *eyes tingle* The old original Transformers series on Tv-links. Awesome. I've actually only seen 4-5 episodes of the first two seasons. So it's all new. And wonderfully horrid. But it still kicks the ass of all modern cartoons. I've found a bunch of old 80s series to watch... ah, good times to be had.
I've ordered... a new guitar, from germany. And it sure as hell is worth it, as it was about 1500kr less when doing it that way. Not to mention that I'd have to wait two-three months, and pay more, if I'd bought it here in sweden. And I actually get better warranty this way. One hitch is that it wasn't (and won't be apparently, in europe) availible in the white colour I wanted. So... it's another black guitar. I have four electric guitars and one 5-string bass. All of which are, black. Well, what are you going to do.
I have also practiced guitar during the last two days, actually last week, and made some good progress. Excellent. Just what I need.
I've finished of the first 170 page book I have to read for the essay I'm working on. I'll go through the next book tomorrow. It's really uninspiring, but I've got to get it done. Then I'll be able to do some calculus next week, and hopefully the cooler weather will help me getting around to recording some more tracks.
A couple of you who've read the Inner Outer post has gone on trying to argue with me that I'm not a bad or failed person. Now, I'm really, really happy that you care. But you can't really argue me out of feeling this way. Not to mention, it's really easy to out argue any of such points made. Especially for me. But me feeling smart about shooting down arguments for how good I am is not such a good thing? And so far, I can't do much else but shoot the arguments down. Just, be there. Just, call, just... don't argue.
Gawd, that feels really horrible to say. But, I am coming to understand what helps me and what can't.
But that does lead me to something more I've been thinking about. I'm really isolated. I only meet my best friends for roleplaying, maybe once a month, once per two months? It's... not good. And again... fixing that is kind of hard to do, by myself.
Been watching for new availible appartments, so far, zeros everywhere. Umm. So, a call out to everyone. Anyone need a roommate or two? Or anyone interested in trying to get a bigger appartment and split it?
Whine, whine and get more angry.
Today was rather annoying, I got up just after 9 in the morning, which was the time the build crew decided to turn of all our water. No tea = angryily annoyed and dangerous Demian. And no water = kind of funky smelling Demian.
Got myself awake by watching *eyes tingle* The old original Transformers series on Tv-links. Awesome. I've actually only seen 4-5 episodes of the first two seasons. So it's all new. And wonderfully horrid. But it still kicks the ass of all modern cartoons. I've found a bunch of old 80s series to watch... ah, good times to be had.
I've ordered... a new guitar, from germany. And it sure as hell is worth it, as it was about 1500kr less when doing it that way. Not to mention that I'd have to wait two-three months, and pay more, if I'd bought it here in sweden. And I actually get better warranty this way. One hitch is that it wasn't (and won't be apparently, in europe) availible in the white colour I wanted. So... it's another black guitar. I have four electric guitars and one 5-string bass. All of which are, black. Well, what are you going to do.
I have also practiced guitar during the last two days, actually last week, and made some good progress. Excellent. Just what I need.
I've finished of the first 170 page book I have to read for the essay I'm working on. I'll go through the next book tomorrow. It's really uninspiring, but I've got to get it done. Then I'll be able to do some calculus next week, and hopefully the cooler weather will help me getting around to recording some more tracks.
A couple of you who've read the Inner Outer post has gone on trying to argue with me that I'm not a bad or failed person. Now, I'm really, really happy that you care. But you can't really argue me out of feeling this way. Not to mention, it's really easy to out argue any of such points made. Especially for me. But me feeling smart about shooting down arguments for how good I am is not such a good thing? And so far, I can't do much else but shoot the arguments down. Just, be there. Just, call, just... don't argue.
Gawd, that feels really horrible to say. But, I am coming to understand what helps me and what can't.
But that does lead me to something more I've been thinking about. I'm really isolated. I only meet my best friends for roleplaying, maybe once a month, once per two months? It's... not good. And again... fixing that is kind of hard to do, by myself.
Been watching for new availible appartments, so far, zeros everywhere. Umm. So, a call out to everyone. Anyone need a roommate or two? Or anyone interested in trying to get a bigger appartment and split it?
Whine, whine and get more angry.
måndag 13 augusti 2007
Totaly unnecessary
But it's got to be said.
Hot damn.
I should NOT have tried Jolt Cola or Cream Soda during the summer.
I drink like, no soft drinks, at all, besides Julmust... but. Umm... That was so awesomly tasty. Although Jolt Cola apparently made me really, really annoying. (Running around, making high-pitched noises and poking people. Even bitemarks were blamed on me)
And I sure could go for a Dr. Pepper as well.
Hot damn.
I should NOT have tried Jolt Cola or Cream Soda during the summer.
I drink like, no soft drinks, at all, besides Julmust... but. Umm... That was so awesomly tasty. Although Jolt Cola apparently made me really, really annoying. (Running around, making high-pitched noises and poking people. Even bitemarks were blamed on me)
And I sure could go for a Dr. Pepper as well.
Inner Outer
Alright, biting my lip abit. I had a good idea on how to write this, but then I went to get all our wet clothes out of the washroom and it eluded me.
Where am I today?
For almost as long as I can remember, I've been fighting with myself. And it seems very few people have caught on to this. I am not well. And that is hard to admit even to myself. Everyone else seem to see thoughtful, dependable, and perhaps, sometimes, a slightly distant person. Me.
Growing up, dad neglected me in a most active way. That is to say his behavior made me quite certain how meaningless I was. And how my opinions, feelings and, well, all of me, didn't really matter. Now with a few years behind me, I also see that I've recived the same treatment from my mother that she got from hers. The 'not being good enough' treatment. Whatever I've managed to do, I could have done it better.
I live with the voice of my inner critic. That inner voice normaly secondguesses you, criticises you, and as such can be used so that you do your best. Mine doesn't stop. It has grown throughout my conciousness like a cancer.
Even before I even do anything that I've planned on doing, I've been berated by that voice for months on how I'm going to fail, what I'll do wrong, that I can't succed.
I tend to be so filled with anexiety that I feel sick to my stomache. I very often have trouble sleeping because of fear and stress hormones.
I often have trouble managing my day. I get terribly scared about doing the school work I need to do. I get scared about the challenges of getting a appartment of my own. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry constantly. And I feel serious physical effects from my worrying. Me anexiety.
In three weeks school starts. I'm retaking Math 1, first module out of two. For a week now I've had seriously frightening nightmares about Cosine and E functions trying to kill me. It sounds just wonderfully pathetic in this form. But it's the same level of fear as when I got mugged.
I've tried to find help. I have not succeded. Back then I got help from school, I've tried the psycologists linked to my university, so that I at least can get some help passing my courses, but nothing. I was to severe a case so they wouldn't even touch me. (they were more interested in going and having their coffe actually)
Worst of all is how this affects my dreams of working with music. And how I just plain suck to be around and how it makes me less of a friend and less of a boyfriend. (Not that they'd complain, any of them. There's a good deal of me not calling myself good enough in that to. But you all know when I'm not enough, and I cringe for every time I've failed any of you.)
So, why am I writing this huge peice of whine? I am not sure. It is a call for help. Gods know I need and will welcome any that anyone wishes to give.
It is also, this whole writing thing, if I manage to keep it up (notice me second guessing myself already) I can use it to keep track of myself.
The fall is heading at me at breakneck speed. And there's so much to do. I suck at living in the now. Instead I see a huge pile of crap that needs doing instead of working on the bit that's before me, so all the little bits can accumulate and become, ehr, a pile of... not crap.
I'm re-taking two courses during the fall. Half of Math 1 I've mentioned, and then there's the Optics and Laser course. It really isn't hard, and I know the material, and where at best of with 1 point on both exams. I've also got some essays lying around that needs doing. There are always esseys that need doing. But I must get this done. All of it.
I must move out. It's official, we do not get along anymore. I can't actually point to anything specifically, as I've just gotten alot of animosity and few explanations. But, things end. Not to mention that I do want my own place. Or, better, I would love to live with my girlfriend as she is the best there is and our only real problem is not seeing enough of eachother. (well, there'll be other problems along, but getting through problems is what a relationship is all about and that journey can be quite interesting. I want to share life and it's experiences with her.) But I can't live here anymore. It's slowly grinding away at me, being here.
I want to continue being good at my job. Damn that job. Sometimes, when everyone is being an ass I really, really hate it. But... teaching the guitar is awesome. I love my instrument, I love music, and I love teaching. I just wish that I could do it on a grand scale. I admit that I dream about working with my good friend Mr.Gul. We could so do IAs FGS for him. We know that shit.
As I'm moving out, I most probably won't have access to this computer anymore. Which is sad, as I own half of it, but the really hard part is that it'd put a new hamper on me recording my music. All the songs I've written for the band, now Silence Reversed, are just waiting for me. I can do it. It's great stuff. But, I've been weedling about for years, not getting around to it, because I'm scared. And I'd hate, hate, hate to have the oppertunity taken away from me. Although... I could just try and buy a computer of my own... Me, creating problems, that don't really exist.
Taekwon-Do. I was a active martial arts student for almost two years. The second year I lost 20kg of weight. I now weigh about 80kg. There's some 5-10kg left to get rid of. And... I loved doing it, I was getting good at it. But the job, illness and a really, really mentaly straining course made it, not to hard to go, but made it so easy not to go. I just wish that I can get Eli or anyone I know to come along and do it. There are so many male jocks there and it's actually hard making friends.
Last, I so wish that I'd be able to socialise more with my friends. We're all so busy now with school in diffrent ways... sure, moving out will probably help. But I've been an ass, not wanting to go along to certain things. I need a serious kick in the ass. And I wish that I could reset peoples thoughts upon what I will and will not do.
So this is a call for help... but I know most people stand slightly frightened at this kind of onslaught of bad mental health.
I need to talk with people, with all of my friends. I need to spend time with you. I need to tell my story. I need to be asked by you. I need more of the awful truths about myself. I need more of the everyday plain truths about myself. I need to be needed. I need cheering on. I need to be yelled at when I slip up and do bad things to myself.
I don't need that anyone cares. But it sure does help. I really could use some being loved and getting told that. Because, sadly, even though I should, I don't know that you do. Because, well, I'm ill and can't yet accept that. Remind me that I'm wrong. I do feel disgusting just for asking this. Bur... it would make my, journey, easier.
Writing this has been really, really hard. It didn't turn out as I thought, it doesn't contain everything, but... I hope it's enough. And I feel a bit more light-hearted after writing it down.
I want to live my life.
Where am I today?
For almost as long as I can remember, I've been fighting with myself. And it seems very few people have caught on to this. I am not well. And that is hard to admit even to myself. Everyone else seem to see thoughtful, dependable, and perhaps, sometimes, a slightly distant person. Me.
Growing up, dad neglected me in a most active way. That is to say his behavior made me quite certain how meaningless I was. And how my opinions, feelings and, well, all of me, didn't really matter. Now with a few years behind me, I also see that I've recived the same treatment from my mother that she got from hers. The 'not being good enough' treatment. Whatever I've managed to do, I could have done it better.
I live with the voice of my inner critic. That inner voice normaly secondguesses you, criticises you, and as such can be used so that you do your best. Mine doesn't stop. It has grown throughout my conciousness like a cancer.
Even before I even do anything that I've planned on doing, I've been berated by that voice for months on how I'm going to fail, what I'll do wrong, that I can't succed.
I tend to be so filled with anexiety that I feel sick to my stomache. I very often have trouble sleeping because of fear and stress hormones.
I often have trouble managing my day. I get terribly scared about doing the school work I need to do. I get scared about the challenges of getting a appartment of my own. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry constantly. And I feel serious physical effects from my worrying. Me anexiety.
In three weeks school starts. I'm retaking Math 1, first module out of two. For a week now I've had seriously frightening nightmares about Cosine and E functions trying to kill me. It sounds just wonderfully pathetic in this form. But it's the same level of fear as when I got mugged.
I've tried to find help. I have not succeded. Back then I got help from school, I've tried the psycologists linked to my university, so that I at least can get some help passing my courses, but nothing. I was to severe a case so they wouldn't even touch me. (they were more interested in going and having their coffe actually)
Worst of all is how this affects my dreams of working with music. And how I just plain suck to be around and how it makes me less of a friend and less of a boyfriend. (Not that they'd complain, any of them. There's a good deal of me not calling myself good enough in that to. But you all know when I'm not enough, and I cringe for every time I've failed any of you.)
So, why am I writing this huge peice of whine? I am not sure. It is a call for help. Gods know I need and will welcome any that anyone wishes to give.
It is also, this whole writing thing, if I manage to keep it up (notice me second guessing myself already) I can use it to keep track of myself.
The fall is heading at me at breakneck speed. And there's so much to do. I suck at living in the now. Instead I see a huge pile of crap that needs doing instead of working on the bit that's before me, so all the little bits can accumulate and become, ehr, a pile of... not crap.
I'm re-taking two courses during the fall. Half of Math 1 I've mentioned, and then there's the Optics and Laser course. It really isn't hard, and I know the material, and where at best of with 1 point on both exams. I've also got some essays lying around that needs doing. There are always esseys that need doing. But I must get this done. All of it.
I must move out. It's official, we do not get along anymore. I can't actually point to anything specifically, as I've just gotten alot of animosity and few explanations. But, things end. Not to mention that I do want my own place. Or, better, I would love to live with my girlfriend as she is the best there is and our only real problem is not seeing enough of eachother. (well, there'll be other problems along, but getting through problems is what a relationship is all about and that journey can be quite interesting. I want to share life and it's experiences with her.) But I can't live here anymore. It's slowly grinding away at me, being here.
I want to continue being good at my job. Damn that job. Sometimes, when everyone is being an ass I really, really hate it. But... teaching the guitar is awesome. I love my instrument, I love music, and I love teaching. I just wish that I could do it on a grand scale. I admit that I dream about working with my good friend Mr.Gul. We could so do IAs FGS for him. We know that shit.
As I'm moving out, I most probably won't have access to this computer anymore. Which is sad, as I own half of it, but the really hard part is that it'd put a new hamper on me recording my music. All the songs I've written for the band, now Silence Reversed, are just waiting for me. I can do it. It's great stuff. But, I've been weedling about for years, not getting around to it, because I'm scared. And I'd hate, hate, hate to have the oppertunity taken away from me. Although... I could just try and buy a computer of my own... Me, creating problems, that don't really exist.
Taekwon-Do. I was a active martial arts student for almost two years. The second year I lost 20kg of weight. I now weigh about 80kg. There's some 5-10kg left to get rid of. And... I loved doing it, I was getting good at it. But the job, illness and a really, really mentaly straining course made it, not to hard to go, but made it so easy not to go. I just wish that I can get Eli or anyone I know to come along and do it. There are so many male jocks there and it's actually hard making friends.
Last, I so wish that I'd be able to socialise more with my friends. We're all so busy now with school in diffrent ways... sure, moving out will probably help. But I've been an ass, not wanting to go along to certain things. I need a serious kick in the ass. And I wish that I could reset peoples thoughts upon what I will and will not do.
So this is a call for help... but I know most people stand slightly frightened at this kind of onslaught of bad mental health.
I need to talk with people, with all of my friends. I need to spend time with you. I need to tell my story. I need to be asked by you. I need more of the awful truths about myself. I need more of the everyday plain truths about myself. I need to be needed. I need cheering on. I need to be yelled at when I slip up and do bad things to myself.
I don't need that anyone cares. But it sure does help. I really could use some being loved and getting told that. Because, sadly, even though I should, I don't know that you do. Because, well, I'm ill and can't yet accept that. Remind me that I'm wrong. I do feel disgusting just for asking this. Bur... it would make my, journey, easier.
Writing this has been really, really hard. It didn't turn out as I thought, it doesn't contain everything, but... I hope it's enough. And I feel a bit more light-hearted after writing it down.
I want to live my life.
söndag 12 augusti 2007
Testing 123
This is, interesting. I created the blog with a swedish name, but then I realise how many non-swedish talking friends I have.
So.
I guess I'm going english. Or maybe I'll go bilingual. Or who cares. It's most probably just going to be ranting and whining about my mental health anyway.
As I work my slow way towards my inner revolution.
That's a song reference right there. Oh, the deepness.
So.
I guess I'm going english. Or maybe I'll go bilingual. Or who cares. It's most probably just going to be ranting and whining about my mental health anyway.
As I work my slow way towards my inner revolution.
That's a song reference right there. Oh, the deepness.
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