Post exam week headache

Bwaaargh.

The exhaustion has continued for a week. And I've been ill. It's like, hard, just to go and make a cup of tea. If I havn't had to go to work or meet someone, I've been in bed, barely reading. I'm that tired.

I sorely wish that I'll perk up and be able to record a bit during this week, as I'm actually free all week.

*waves fists in the air* Dammit. I wanna play music. I want to be up and about. But now it's not a depression or anything, it's my damn body giving up on me.

*makes some spinache and shame soup* (that is water, with spinache and to-little potato mash powder in it, and then you add either chopped sausage or fishsticks... mmm... shame soup)

And outside, it rains, and rains, and... well. Rains. It's perpetual grayness distilled.

But, yes, it's easy to get caught in being pissed off at all this. I was able meet Alex twice this weekend. And things are great. (except the whole not-getting-to-spend-enough-time-with-eachother thing)

I want a whole weekend set aside, just for massage. And another one for pure romance. And one for tea and chocolate... and... and...

Post exam headache

Got up at 06:00... went to the exam 08:00-13:00 rushed to work 15:00-21:30... just got home 22:40 something.

A long day. And I must have passed the damn exam. Although there were a few places where I can't say that I was certain of what they wanted. And you need 75% to pass it. It might get close. But if it does, I've got a whole bunch of things to argue with them about. Not to mention that I'll try to dare and demand to be able to do some sort of follow-up work on the bits I missed. But, I should be more confident. If I managed to pass the percentile, then I'm getting the one of the top grades.

Gawd. Everything is spinning and I, of course, feel like I'm having a cold coming on. Oh! *walks to kichten and gets tea*Umm... actually, I think I'll get some alvedon as well *goes back, limping* Gawd. Sprained all three muscles in my leg at tkd yesterday. I look like an idiot. I've got all kinds of cramps, unshaven, black rings around my eyes and a scowl of perpetual, hateful vindictivness.

Guess it can't be all that bad. My japanese teaching college asked for my msn and facebook stuff so we'd be able to keep in touch and talk more. I guess I must have managed to keep up some sort of coherrant speech.

Umm. I was going to rant some more. But I feel just bloody awful... I'm going to sip my tea and stare at the screen until I can manage to crawl to bed.

Gnight.

Exam.

I must admit. That I'm dealing with the exam hundreds of times better then I've done before. But damn. I am totaly about to loose it. Now it's that feeling of tightness across the chest. The complete blank minde and the overwhelming urge to cry and scream.

And I need to take it easy and review alot of stuff during saturday and sunday. And, well, tonight. And it really feels like a complete impossibility. I know that the exam will mainly use the stuff from the seminars, so I need to go through the important bits of that. It's not hard. And I know alot of it already. But damn. My stomache is filled with ice and I can't think.

9 minutes until I need to be out the door. I'm brushing my teeth and trying to select some decent combination of clothing.

So. Monday is the exam that finished and ends this course. And, I am back again to feeling limply scared and not sleeping well at all. My head is not a good place to visit right now.

And, I am noticing that I'm upset about the coming saturday. My gf is going out and I can't come along. Because of dresscode. I don't happen to have any fairytale clothes. (and alot of you go, wait, didn't he do larps, and yes, but see, the twist is...) And what I do have isn't the slightest bit Kinky. Which is the demand to get to enter.

And it's also the fact that suddenly, we're back at the fact that we'll have met only once in two months. And, that quite seriously just makes me want to cry. I can't help feeling completly unprioritised.

I'm trying to figure out how Not to completly freak out because of the damn exam. I'm not really getting anywhere. I'll print the stuff I need and then, just buckle down and keep reading. But I wish I could just feel a bit confident about the whole thing. I've read everything already and got a good grasp on it but...

Blackouts and Deathsauce

The modem has been broken for a week, which resulted in sooo much extra work and hassle. And all work and no play is making Demi a very tired, sad and frustrated boy.

And still all that is left is buckling down and... continuing. Everyone is busy. Doesn't really matter if I can find a few hours free, there's noone to see anyway.

Fighting back

Bwargh, I'm so tired. I've had a headache all day. And I've been everywhere today. KTH, home, school and back.

But I'm fighting back. And Ling is really good company on the train. I have apparently been able to help her with her swedish some. She tried to get me started on chinise... big mistake. But I'm damn well going to try. I can't help feeling that it'd be so awesome to learn some languages. (which I've hated, hated, hated to learn before) But... again, time sort of... gets in... the way.

Oh, got my tickets for the FK gig. Now, ehr, to figure out How to get there. But, I've got until january to think of a plan.

Sunday, even though I'm totaly swamped in work, I'm going to meet my boys, and we're going to do some roleplaying. *yay!* I'm probably going to be dead, as it'll be from right after taekwon-do, but I'll be in good company.

Woke up grey.

Somehow I dropped the ball. I woke up and things were back to being grey, inside my head.

I'm really tired and worn. Heckofalot to do, as I've written so many times before. School, work and traveling inbetween nets me 60 hour weeks.

It's really tough to sit down and work on the school bits as the project feels so extremly braindead. And the course material to take in is just so massive. And I don't know where they'll put the bar on the exam. I could be underdoing it, or I could be overdoing it. But I'll have one, one and a half week to read through it all a second time.

I'm loved at work. I'm the guy who's always there. I'm the helpful one the other teachers turn to when things fuck up. I have the most popular courses. And then, I run into little eightyearold girls who spend their entire lessons trying to think of the most hurtful things they can say. And, I really can't do much about it. And I've already caught myself decending into pettyness and vindictivness when they do that. Next week, make the rules clear again. And if they missbehave, they'll get to leave. Damn it's just awful and painful to have those courses.

Dance, dance

Dammit. I want to have the time to be able to take dancing lessons with my girlfriend. Ok, she's not the biggest dancing person, and neither am I. But we've always had so much fun goofing around with it. And it just feels right. That will happen.

I am really, really starting to feel a need of a few days off. Gawd... there's sooo much going on every dang day.

I miss my friends, I miss my boys, I miss roleplaying, I miss... and it's only three weeks in.

Oh, and so many things I want to do. Sheesh... the locked in feeling is horrid.

Managed to book tickets to the Freak Kitchen vs Lindköping Jazz Orchestra gig. I'm really, really looking forward to that. 1 of march.

Tank top

Sitting here with a big mug of water. Got a major headache from working, talking to much and not drinking enough.

I've been able to stay on top of myself. Only like now, being extremly tired and worn, do I feel the anexiety lurking. Three weeks to exam. Bwaaaaah...

I'm still pretty damn isolated. Everyone, especially me, is extremly busy.

Umm... I can't get around to even formulating my thoughts into some kind of coherency.

Gnight' y'all.