Snow

The snow has come, and my disposition has hence vastly improved. It's weird how the meaningless darkness and wetness of the end of fall just destroys me.

I'm transcribing math notes right now. It is extremly tedious. And it feels weird. I feel like I've completly forgotten how to study.

I did it two weeks ago. Now... it feels like I have no clue when it comes to focusing my mind.

And having had a good nights sleep for the first time in many months... my back has given up. I'm in so much pain, sometimes, I get close to crying. And I can't find anyone to come and give me a massage. I'm in terrible, awful, painful, need.

It's about half past four... and it's already dark outside. Slow snowflakes falling down outside the window.

And I want to go for a walk. And do some more exercise. And play some guitar... and...


On saturday, I turn 26. Or... more properly, I turn 19, for the seventh time.

Farewell

The funeral was yesterday.

It was tough, it was sad, heartbreaking in so many ways. But... I kinda feel that some healing started to happen. I worked really hard to care for the family.

I am completly and utterly drained.

But damn, I look great in a suit.

Guitar Smashed Face

There we go, nice title, referenceing Cannibal Corpse and the weird shit that went down yesterday.

So, I've now managed this. I was explaining something to a student, holding a acustic guitar in my right hand. I feel my grip suddenly slipping. I grab the guitar in the air so forcefully that I smash it into my face. A machine head imprints itself in my forehead.

The force of the blow knocks me off balance, and I fall backwards, into a convenient chair. Landing comfortably, my head goes on rolling backwards, and I hit... the concrete wall.

And so, I had a slight concussion.

An hour later, I managed to hit myself again... this time just splitting the inside of my lip.

This is like some... record of asshandedness. Seriously.

Hell yeah, Guitar Smashed Face.

Outside the leaves are falling

Got woke up by one of the secretaries calling from work (before 11 as we have agreed is the earliest they call, since I get hom so late) asking me a inane question, wether I was having a fall break in my classes. When they've specifically told me... I can't have a fall break in my classes.

Why?

The last few days of working out... is being felt. Thuroughly. I am so damn stiff.

Turns out that I've misscalculated on work though. Seems I'm actually done about two weeks earlier then I thought. That's great. More time to study before exam.

I'm chronically running back and forth from my mailbox... because my new guitar is about to arrive. It's like three weeks late. And I'm also scared because of all the problems the post office caused the last time I ordered one. (it was shipped around for a month and smashed to bits)

But I'm not well. Seriously. There still so much of this whole thing to process. And not getting to be around them, the family... it... breaks my damn heart.

Decide to live

The thought processes just keep on milling in the back of my head.

All the sadness and tragicness of what happened, the wrongness.

I got to meet Alex and Vicky for the first time since it happened yesterday. That felt really good to me. I could be of some use. Making them feel better. It's weird how making people feel better and taking control of a situation becomes my number one priority.

But there wasn't much time. We had some coffee, and that was that, Alex had to run off. I took Vicky home, to be sure. And then had a long walk home by myself through a dark forest.

I can't help feeling though that I've greived. I want to be me again. Stupid schoolwork heading in, starting tomorrow.

And I'm again trying to bestow a plan on myself, with daylie routines of physical training and guitar practice.

Which is weird as I teach guitar all day. But I, quite seriously, don't get to do anything that makes me grow. Ok, my understanding of scales has improved, but technicality feels to be falling away under me.

But. Planned the B-day. Trying to use facebook for the first time to send out invitations. Need to get the regular ones out today.

Exploring the: "not at good place"

I'm sitting with my teacup, in what for me, now, classifies as early morning.

I was close to being derailed even before she passed away. Now, I've been off for a week. I start thinking about it at odd times. I get sad. At work, on the train, or when I sit here by myself.

I seem to be sleeping constantly. And whenever I look out the window it's late, it's dark. But that's just the weather.

I think I might seriously need some help. This is me falling into a real depression. And next week, it'll start being stress, more stuff to do. And my essay is already behind because I havn't managed to work on it since I got the news.

And it seems a lot of people have been needing me emotionally this last week. And it's all alot of e-mailing and msn writing. As always, I'm back to my most common complaint. That I sit here, all alone, and mostly, not metaphorically, in the dark.

I also can't help feeling that for those people who really have been around and tried helping me a bit lately, I must feel like a black hole. Just sucking everything in.

I need to live again. But I've needed that for years.

List thingy, don't know why.

I've got a ton of better things to be doing. Hence.

Now the playlist is filled with a whole lot of stuff. Probably over a month of continous music. This can get... hard.



How are you today?
Some of these days (Django Reinhart)

A instrumental with improvisation going both up and down. Curiously fitting for a first song.



How will your life turn out?
Destined for Glory (Hammerfall)

Oh, hell yeah, thank you Hammerfall. http://www.lyricsdownload.com/hammerfall-destined-for-glory-lyrics.html



How does your friends view you?
Freezer (Charlie Clouser)

This is from the movie soundtrack to Saw III. I am a... cold box, filled with dying people? That shut other people out? Dunno why, but again... it does feel oddly fitting.



Will you get married?
More chords (D. Andersen)

A song that I've written, that doesn't have a real name yet. The one thing I always remember from the song is the stumbling drums in the beginning.



What the themesong of your life?
Snap (Freak Kitchen)

A song about stressing yourself to death. Thank you Matti, you hit the nail on the head.
http://www.freakkitchen.com/albums/move/track03/



What's the story of your life?
The Ascension (Symphony X)

A song about rising to something greater. And from trying to remember the lyrics, doing it as two people. http://www.metrolyrics.com/a-winters-dream-the-ascension-part-ii-lyrics-symphony-x.html



How's school?
When day is done (Django Reinhart)

Improvisational instrumental again. With a... fitting title.



How will you get ahead in life?
Ride with me (Steppenwolf)

Wow. This is creepily good. Seriously, again, read the lyrics...
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/steppenwolf-ride-with-me-lyrics.html



How till tomorrow turn out?
Phantom of the Opera (Iron Maiden)

Oh, I shall meet a very... false person? Or find out that I've been very false about something? Go wednesday then. http://www.lyricsfreak.com/i/iron+maiden/phantom+of+the+opera_20067988.html



What is the best thing with your friends?
Yellow Blues (D. Andersen)

A song that I've written. No lyrics yet. And the working name is a reference to my good friend Linus. Who in most ways, is a embodyment of the term Great Friend. Fitting.



What will happen next week?
Over and Out (Pantera)

First lyric line is 'slaving for eternity' and next week I need to write like mad to get my essay done. Good work yet again winamp. http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/P/panteralyrics/panteraoverandoutlyrics.htm



Which song best decribes you?
Lucianno Pavaronni (Ron Thal)´

A short musical parody. Of, well, you know who, and spanish guitar. Umm. I don't like the short bit.



What is the status of your life?
Rum Runners (Swashbuckle)

Another short instrumental. I am... illegaly transporting and selling booze? First real miss of the bunch I'd say. I can't think of anything fun or fitting here.



What song will be played at your funeral?
It's so simple (Saosin)

I am yet to actually listen to the song. Maybe above mention Linus, who sent me the album, in hopes of recruting me to his emo-era could explain?
http://www.lyricstime.com/saosin-it-s-so-simple-lyrics.html



How will the world see you?
Gently (Slipknot)

Oddly dark and ugly song with a unfitting title? Well. Yeah. From afar... I might look gentle.



Will you have a happy life?
Kalis Son (Jonas Hellborg)

I'd take that as a no?



What does your friends think of you?
Experiment (LOK)

I won't comment. But those who actually know me, and has seen the facettes... should be chuckeling. http://www.sweetslyrics.com/465112.Lok%20-%20Experiment%20Lyrics.html (and... can speak swedish)



Which song best describes the one you are attracted to?
Passing through an old raped village (Mortiis)
Part of the friction (Sixth)

First song: OMFG!, that is to much of a coincidence that I am scared. Not to mention that it's... completely horrible. Hence, I took a second song as well. http://www.metrolyrics.com/passing-by-an-old-raped-village-lyrics-mortiis.html
Second song: Wonderful homage to my sexual frustrations I must say. http://www.actionext.com/names_s/sikth_lyrics/part_of_the_friction.html



What do you want to tell the next generation?
Game start theme, Mega Man 3 (capcom sound team)

Play more awesome, REAL, videogames, bi-atches.



Do you have a dark secret?
Part-time lover (Stevie Wonder)

I am confounded... and well. Guess. It fits. Damn you Stevie!



What does people fantisise about you?
Golden (Fall Out Boy)

Yeah. People see me as better then I am. Or. Better then I think myself atleast.
http://www.lyrics007.com/Fall%20Out%20Boy%20Lyrics/Golden%20Lyrics.html



How can I make myself happy?
Punk rock song, german version (Bad Religion)

Rail agianst everything, forever, prefferably in german. Well, except the german bit, gladly. (Since I suck at speaking german)
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/badreligion/punkrocksonggermanversion.html



Will I ever have kids?
Suffragette City (David Bowie)

Interesting, as there's a lyric line that always stuck in my mind. "there is only room for one, here she comes, here she comes"
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/david+bowie/suffragette+city_20036917.html



What is a good tip for me?
Det bästa jag vet (Slutan Anstalt)

Umm. So that would be... fuck more? Sure. Ok.
http://forbannat.blogspot.com/2006/08/sluten-anstalt.html



How will I be remembered?
Jenny B (Bumblefoot)

A song about really, really, really loving someone, well, that's how I've understood it. http://www.bumblefoot.com/discography.php



What song makes you want to dance?
Baseball Bat Boogie (D. Andersen)

Oh hell yeah. Another one of mine. It's seriously danceable.

Rage days

I've been so angry and sad the last few day and yesterday it erupted. I'm so glad I've got concrete walls. Even though my hands are bruised.

Shit has got to change.

I got dumped on by four diffrent groups of friends yesterday. Everyone had decided that I was supposed to show up, or we had actually decided something. But everyone I had decided with changed things without telling me. Leaving me hanging, alone in rain, with a mobile that doesn't want to work. And then three groups more started yelling at me for not coming... when they'd never bothered telling me about it in the first place.

I need someone to fucking emotionally invest in me. I need some damn physical closeness and intimacy. I've stopped feeling like a person and just a, walking body, doing menial labours.

And my appartment is so fucking cold.

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate; hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...

Today I'm a nice man. Surely.

Spontaneous intimate peircing and general anger.

Been poked by so many people about getting back to blogging.

The sad fact is that I used to get home, play some guitar, and write, to empty myself, forgive the day, move on, that kind of thing.

And now, I don't even have the energy for that.

That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'm back on 08-23:30 days. Not good. Especially since I'm trying to research and write a 15 page essay. It's just not doing anything for my health. Be it physical, mental, sexual or whatever. No time for nothing. And beside friends who are up on msn... noone really makes time for me. Because, well, they can't. I hate how self pitying it sounds... but... love needs to make time. For me.

In other news, I'm awaiting a new guitar to arrive. Yay. And replacement parts for my old jackson, which I've actually managed to play so it broke. Cool and sad, mostly sad.

I've also managed to get my right nipple peirced. But not in the good way like you want. A accident at work, I was balancing the guitar body on my foot, having the head near my armpit whilst bending forward to point out a technique flaw in a student... and *zip* a small 4mm uncut bit of guitar string... peirced my titty.

That, hurt. I damn well scared the whole building with my surprised scream.

Now, in hindsight... I kinda wish I had a bolt I could have put in. I mean... you don't want to go through that kind of pain for no reason. Just as well actually get the peircing.

But in all rambling seriousness. There isn't enough fun in my life as it is. And not enough love. I want a social life, with my actual friends, family, bands... I want a love life with a girlfriend. I keep feeling that I work hard on all of these but... it doesn't pay off. Like I'm alone trying to pull all these rafts upriver.

I need to check, what happens with this appartment, if I ask for a year off from studying. I want to ask Linus about that music school, even if it is in the middle of nowhere, I want to find a place for the band to reherse. I want to be done with school. I want to have a way out of the job. Even though I actually do enjoy alot of it... I want to be able to make demands. I want better pay, better hours and the students and classes that I want to teach. I want to be able to do my photografy project. I want to record my albums. I want to go visit my relatives. I wish I could travel, skii again. Get back on Taekwon-do. Holy crap, I really enjoyed having that in my life.

But everything is school. And work.
And since they're everything. I don't get a recharge. They've stopped inspiring me. It's all scraped. Clean. Like... the icky bits of a episode of Dexter.

And hell, I wish I could sit and play some damn computer games. That's been even more ages. Last time I visited mom, she wanted me to stay and play some Civilization... but I had no time.

That's just sad.

Rabble, rabble

That is damn well it.

I need to write, for myself, again. I do not know what really happened. But after the exam (which I passed) I really just fell over. And there's stuff from this spring still clinging to me. I hate the term "burnt out" but... it just pops up. 90 hour workweeks... is enough to make you keel over?

Dammit. I got through that monster period. I beat it. I won. Why can't I replenish my energy and get back up and kick more ass?

And there's so many awesome and great things happening around me. School is a breeze if I just work a little. Friends, roleplaying, love, music... it's all here.

Why am I not working properly?

Free?

I think I passed the exam. I dare not hope. So I have to wait three weeks until I get the results.

But I'm experiencing a feeling of freedom. Not having to get up early and pushing, straining, through each and every day. I work as a guitar teacher for one more week, and then wednesdays for three weeks.

But I can damn well do whatever I want.

The interesting thing is that what I started doing was making a list, of all the shit, I need to do. Although now, I get to choose how and when to do them.

It will take a while to recover from the exam and this semesters trials.

I've been completly overwhelmed by all the emotions, urges and activities that I've had to repress during the term, so that I could focus on school. So, alot of things that needs resolving. And alot of things that need to be felt.

Nine days.

Nine days to exam. It's so hard balancing out and not just running away.

Tomorrow is the last control-exam. I need to beat it, so I'll be studying all day. I've had four days, and I havn't got that much focused studying out of it. :/ And then on saturday my students are playing their concert, that's a whole day of exam studying lost.

And as soon as the damn exam is done... I'll either be devastated, or set free. But no worrying about that. Just, do it.

Five months out

It's close to the middle of may. I've been living alone for over five months. It does agree with me, in some ways, not in some. It's just another way of being. Living.

Less then two weeks to the huge math exam, less then five days to the next pre-test. I'll be sitting with my nose in the books all friday through monday. I need to get it beat.

I'm so looking forward to a school break. If it wasn't for school, the job would be enjoyable. And probably, a bit, vice versa. But not toghether. That I've had 60-90 hour work weeks... it's been to much. And I really, really can't put myself through that again.

Working on my mental balancing act. So far, 3 out of 4 pre-tests completed. The one I missed I couldn't study for. And two of them, I got 100% score on. And I was the only one both times. But... why is it so hard to belive that I know my shit?

Just finished making food for the week. Seven portions of tomato/bean sauce. 250kcal each, just make pasta or rice, and eat.

Also something I'll be glad to get back into, a exercise regiment. A guitar practice regiment, and... peace. And friends. And music. And roleplaying. And... love.

Nightmare

Umm. Ok, so, I woke up one and a half hours early, trying to escape from a really, really creepy nightmare.

I still can't shake it. So I had to get up, turn on the lights and, start doing shit. I just hope I can get it out of my head until the end of the day.

Today is a 08-23 day... and tomorrow is a 08-00 day... so I'd like to be able to have my sleep.

Moving on

There. Had a easter holiday, sort of. It's mostly been me lying in bed, sleeping. I have slept like a madman.

Everything starts up again, beginning yesterday. And... I just, really wish that I had some more time to relax, and slowly verve up again.

A funny thing happened yesterday, met a really nice woman on the train home from work. We just got to talking and woosh, the trip just flies by. We exchanged numbers and I might already have run into her on facebook. New friends everywhere.

Had Emelie staying over... and we were up until about five in the morning playing Frets of Fire (free guitar hero for computors). It's weird as we're both guitarists, and that game just hands our asses to us.

I am not stable of heart of mind at the moment. It's all just... difficult. So I'm in extra need of friendship and love.

Mathtime.

Two months and the three years.

I've lived in my new appartment for about two months. I'm still... not really that settled in. It continues to feel like a expensive but shabby hotel.

My work and school schedule doesn't really help. I sleep in my room. And that's about it. Sure, I eat some food in the morning. And sometimes scribble on math problems in a frantic way. But that's about it. I need to have friends here, and live in the place.

And knowing that I can't really get anything better until someone thinks it's a good idea to share a appartment with me... is a bit stifeling.

Everything that happened on saturday is really messing me up. I'll not be well until this is resolved.

The move part 1.

Alright. So.

Tomorrow, or in about 9 hours, I will be moving. I am not sure about how long time it'll take getting the internet working. It should only be a few days, if even that. But... things are never that easy. But, just so you know.

The room was small, cold, kind of scruffy and smells of burnt fat and bad cooking.

I must say, it really didn't inspire. It just felt. Wrong.

:/

Yuwie?

Umm. So, ehr, does it work? I really don't know. So far it's looked a bit annoying and unweildly. But I'm trying it out anyway.

Supposedly it's a community, like Facebook, but you get paid a fraction of the money they bring in from advertising.

http://r.yuwie.com/kyrasis

Try it, or don't. Who knows.

Not a new year yet.

Sitting around waiting for mom to come home. Need to start moving the boxes around the appartment so I can clean out my room.

It's happening now. And it's weird, because it'll happen in a few hours and then it'll be all diffrent.

I am not in a good frame of mind though. Fucking up as badly as I did with saving Alex's hard drive... I can't stop berating myself. That's really, really bad.

And, after our little get toghether yesterday, and everyone went home just a little bit after twelve. I felt so alone. I couldn't stop crying. And especially when it comes to me and Alex. Being at her place for two days working on stuff... but not being able to relax, or be intimate. I'm am really cracking at the edges. And not seeing eachother for two months at a time.

I am also not sleeping enough. I'm still up at four in the morning. That's bad.

But this change in where I live can bring alot of good if I can catch it. I know that. And I so sorely wish that I can get people to come visit me, as for the first time in five years, I'll have a say in who comes and goes in my appartment.

So, to help myself catch the good stuff. What do I want?

I want to exercise more again. And my new little idea with 20-30 minute aerobic passes 3-4 times a week seems to work. And using a stepcounter make sure I get 10000 steps a day. That should get me somewhere, right?

Record my music. I'll have six weeks of time before work and school starts. I have more then three albums worth of material, and two major side projects, and much more. And it is my dream. I have no good excuses not to do it.

Finish school. I'm working on it. And the steps I've taken with myself has worked. Continue.

More roleplaying. It's great fun. I have so many ideas. We havn't played in six months.

Meet my friends more. Socialise. And Not make Alex my sole encounter with other people on a personal level. (oh, there was a great pun there, but noone will notice)

But also, I need to get to spend more time with Alex. If this is to be a relationship. We need to see eachother.