Three days til christmas...

Damn it's been good to just Relax.

But it didn't last.

Dammit.

I am pretty sure I beat the exam. Someone will have to spill plenty of coffée on that thing to make it fail.

Had a very fitful sleep. I kept thinking it was the day before and that I had to get up early. Spent the day cleaning up, handling paper, packing a bit more, deciding that I'm not running of to the post office and that stuff. Save it until tomorrow.

Played some rock and blues, damn that's fun. But I always feel childish whilst doing it. I need more practice.

But a great day ends with arguments here at home. And I'm feeling terribly alone. Nobody bloody calls. All friends are going off to far off places.

And it's really, really annoying that I can't find a car to help with fetching the new computor. Ah, well. I've got Carl... we'll manhandle the thing homewards.

Writing to get it off my mind

Exam tomorrow.

I've been following stuff, I've been studying. Right now... I feel like I just don't give a shit. Holy crap this is boring. If you could study it slowly and get to go through this stuff more practically and experiment, it'd be really interesting. But abstract physics? Blurgh.

And even though I've been through everything during this week. I need to speed through it again to have it fresh in my memory.

But I'm all hazy. I just want to sleep, go hide or something. I've had really weird rythm all week. I can't sleep because of anexiety, although, again, better this time. But I'm just... out there and can't focus anymore. I wonder if I should just go fuck it, play some games, and then just go and do my best. Or cram like mad until I need to go.

Maybe I should do something inbetween.


On a completly unrelated up-note. IT'S BACK!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0jSxRBvh3bk

One of the damn funniest videos ever. Good times to be had by all!

Packing

Got five days until the exam. And I've been pretty good at studying. But you can always do more. *sigh* I'm scared. Really scared.

And I just keep getting the feeling that I'm forgetting and missing so many things concerning moving. And I'm getting more and more worried about the financial aspects of it all. I'm trying so hard to push it all to the back of my head and just live in the now and do what I can.

I can't remember when I last saw Alex. And she's swamped with school, and sick at the moment. She's really down, can't see any openings or any time to see me, she can't focus on anything fun... and is in a period of feeling like utter crap and that people don't like her.

It's really, really hard to be supportive, call and try and say hi and make what you can out of a phone call. I need to figure out some way to cheer her up. And I need to figure out a way to cheer me up. Mr. Gul, dood, you've been the greatest for that. And thank you again.

But I need to meet people, and do things as well. Argh.

Horrible day

First, I am pissed at myself. I wrote us down on the wrong lab sheet for the wrong day and managed to write that down in my notebook wrong as well. So I got up early as shit, and then didn't even get to do the lab. And then it took like three hours to get home, because EVERY DAMN TRAIN LINE WAS DOWN. And none of the emergency busses turned out to be working. Fun. And of course, even the commutor train to work was 45 minutes late.

But the most annoying bit is that I've found myself going around and berrating myself again, calling myself a idiot and being so damned dissapointed in myself for one little misstake.

I'm not happy today.

Thank you

I need to say thanks to H for loaning me about 20 moving boxes. And huge thanks to the mystery man, whos face I vagule remember seeing on the street during the last 20 years who helped me carry the lot home when my arms finally gave out on me. Helping strangers in the street. Thank you for that. I wonder if I've cashed in some karma, as I do my best to be helpful when I see people in need.

Now, I need to mail and mess-age around and make sure people are hip to the moving plans and see who won't mind helping out. 3 of january everybody, yell my way so I can make a list. I'll need people at Lappis and at Sandfjärdsgatan.

Older and birthday pains

So, 25 ey?

I'm nowhere near where I'd wished I'd be by 25. I hoped to have a gigging band and be about to finish my university studies about now. And that I'd be able to have a real apparment, or be looking for a house about now.

I'm instead only halfway through studies, although getting better at it. I don't even have a rehersing band, let alone a gigging one. I'm moving to a students room that I can only afford by overworking myself beyond my limits.

And, as is rather normal for me about this time of year, I start thinking about the past. And especially about H and S and what happened around the B-day date. I feel a urge to meet them, hang out and talk. I'm still trying to formulate that to myself, why I feel like this. But, I was really hurt, for stupid reasons. And... in so many ways it's sad how things are now.

I want to feel that I still matter, that it wasn't all for naught. I want to be important to them. Because, they're important to me. Because of who they are, who they were, and what they've meant to me.

And speaking of matters of the heart. I am really not enjoying that me and A have to much to do. I want to have a relationship. And a couple of hours some third or fourth week isn't one. I am so much in love, and she's so great. But we damn well deserve to have more of eachother. I get tired of myself because I keep being, well, nervous, when we meet. I don't know... sometimes I just don't feel that I really get to know her, and not seeing much of her is definatly a part of that. And the other part is certainly me. A part I don't like. I love her, and I want her, but for some reason I can't let myself take her, for me. Something I so thought I'd gotten past. But... with her, it's a block, again. Although, as far as I can ascertain, it's only with her.

I need fun, chocolate, a serious massage, and a holiday.