Older and birthday pains

So, 25 ey?

I'm nowhere near where I'd wished I'd be by 25. I hoped to have a gigging band and be about to finish my university studies about now. And that I'd be able to have a real apparment, or be looking for a house about now.

I'm instead only halfway through studies, although getting better at it. I don't even have a rehersing band, let alone a gigging one. I'm moving to a students room that I can only afford by overworking myself beyond my limits.

And, as is rather normal for me about this time of year, I start thinking about the past. And especially about H and S and what happened around the B-day date. I feel a urge to meet them, hang out and talk. I'm still trying to formulate that to myself, why I feel like this. But, I was really hurt, for stupid reasons. And... in so many ways it's sad how things are now.

I want to feel that I still matter, that it wasn't all for naught. I want to be important to them. Because, they're important to me. Because of who they are, who they were, and what they've meant to me.

And speaking of matters of the heart. I am really not enjoying that me and A have to much to do. I want to have a relationship. And a couple of hours some third or fourth week isn't one. I am so much in love, and she's so great. But we damn well deserve to have more of eachother. I get tired of myself because I keep being, well, nervous, when we meet. I don't know... sometimes I just don't feel that I really get to know her, and not seeing much of her is definatly a part of that. And the other part is certainly me. A part I don't like. I love her, and I want her, but for some reason I can't let myself take her, for me. Something I so thought I'd gotten past. But... with her, it's a block, again. Although, as far as I can ascertain, it's only with her.

I need fun, chocolate, a serious massage, and a holiday.