Ass = Hat, Apples = Bad.

Another week has passed. 12 of them have passed with me not even noticing. I'm still in the back seat of, myself?

Actually had a really good week at work. I've really only had good weeks all semester. Really, mostly good weeks since I started. Except being underpayed and exhausted. But it really is overall fun. I need to remember that.

Saw grandad yesterday. Bought him his three-weekly case of beer. I love grandad, and I enjoy spending time with him. I wish he really wouldn't just scoff me off when I tell him that. On the other hand, I know I would if I was in his position.

Today I finally got my ass of to the gym. That is why I am wearing my ass as a hat. I only went for the basic gymnasics routine. I felt a right git and a twat the first 20 minutes. Doing slightly dancy moves with, well, alot of old ladies. And a lesbian couple. Which stared at me like I was something horrible that had crawled in. But 2/3 through I was really struggling with my body. Mentally, I'm still in Taekwon-do mode. And as I realised every time I had been sick and missed some TKD lessons... I tend to over excert myself.

I did today. Argh. Erkg... and other noises.

My friend Thobi came over as he had some time that needed killing and we played a boardgame called Dungeon Crawl (I think... ?). It was surprisingly fun. Albeit if you have a real RPG, as we always do, it feels a bit unecessary. Since it's the same thing, without the acting, overarcing story, etc. Just combat rules.

And then it was off, at the last minute, to go see 'New Moon' with Maja and friends. Really glad to meet up with Åke who I hadn't seen in a long while, even though we didn't get any real time to talk. SL almost made me miss the show sadly. Cancelled buses and general lateness.

The film was... wow. It's hard to describe. I havn't seen the first one or read the books. But it Really demanded that you know the story through and through beforehand. From the view of someone who isn't read up on it, I watched alot of stupid characters doing retarded things, for no reasons. I was mainly hoping they would all die horribly so I could go home and at least laugh misanthropically about that but... alas. Not a single death. I especially hope I never have to come across the heroine character again. I can't really remember a more unlikable character.

On my way home I was attacked. By a apple tree. A semi rotted, rock hard, peice of fruit hit me squarely on the head and almost knocked me over and out. What the hell? Evil tree.

Crawling, in a slight upward incline.

It's really hard. I guess I havn't made much progress but emotional so far. On the other hand, for me, that tends to be all there is.

Crashlanding.

The Malmö trip came and went. Alot of adventure and fun, with some sad insights into my mind thrown in for good measure.

I really wish I had the energy to do the complete story, but Linus did a great job of it over in his blog: http://linus.gyt.se/ Albeit it's in swedish. But there are some stupid pics of me. Look under the title "there was no phonecall, but..."

I came home two days ago. I've been to work twice. I havn't noticed that I've come home. Weirdness. And early tomorrow morning I'll be on the train again.

*yawn*

Cleaning day

Today there will be cleaning, there will be vacuming, there will be... ehr, trying to stay bloody warm. Damn it's cold in this appartment.

So. I got through the flue. But there are lingering things. Lungs are still thick. And actually, my bloodpressure has been a bit... weird.

Also wonder why I have these massive headaches every day I've been working. Even when I make sure I have enough to eat or drink. A slight intellectual part of me is starting to wonder if I have some sort of health problem. I'm not one to blow up that sort of thing, but... I dunno. Granddad has bloodpressure problems.

I promised myself a couple of weeks ago that I'd get out and about and travel a bit more. Now I'm heading to Fagersta, Malmö and Tibro... all weekends after eachother.

I'm still a really busy guy. How the heck does this happen?

Good days and good people.

Now having the flue has sucked. But I have lovely friend and I have lovely family.

Yesterday was a great day of friendship, games and roleplaying. I love living with Gus, it's all slinky. Even though I had some sources of great anger during the last week I've been nicely balanced out.

Had a great day with mom and Alex today. I feel refilled.

Now, I've only slept three hours though. Extra wrong since I've just had the flue... but. Heck.

Getting ready for bed though so no worries.

Virus nomming on mah brain.

I am actually really ill. And it sucks. It's quite simple. Viruses are trying to eat me and in the process reduce me to a dying virus factory. Argh.

There's a really annoying trend going on amongst friends. Everyone is working really hard at smashing into my head that I'm a good person that matters. Ex. http://linus.gyt.se/ my friend Linus. Under the heading Lamentations, third paragraf. I knew there were many reasons why I love that man.

I'm really, really, truly trying to get my shit and my mind toghether. I'm still floundering around. I can wish all I want that someone would step in and show they care and grab me by the neck and point me in the right direction. But... that sort of thing doesn't happen. It's going to come down to all me.

Sure, it's especially hard now when with-the-flue to see clear and gather strenght. But I need to have a couple of important talks with some people. And hey, maybe I could actually ask for help? Holy crap, that is such an alien concept. Ask for help. Not wanting to be a bother is so madly ingrained into me.

Not completly unexpected.

Yep. I am sort of sick. First the symptoms did say flue, but... Now I'm not all sure. It's way to mild to be the flue. But I feel really crappy.

And the first thing that comes to mind is be having promised to buy food and stuff for granddad. But I really don't want to infect him with anything.

I dunno.

I don't mind hiding behind the compy and the wii for a bit.

Hell. I'm so going to have to buy a wii when I move again.

Vile Filth

Angry at tonnes of things. Especially me. And I feel extra filthy. Had a wii powered and coffee fuled conversation with my good friend Carl about alot of really disgusting but true stuff.

Just booked train tickets down to Malmö to visit my other very good friend Mr. Gul. It's really funny, I helped out with bits of some Freak Kitchen notation yesterday, and this morning. And suddenly we were five years back in time. During those wonderful, weird nights of making Freak Kitchen tab-book material. That was some serious notation, alot of growing and companionship. Not too mention just fucking nerding around like hell. Damn, I love that stuff. And at the oppertunity to relive some of it, I just dropped everything.

Now a ticket ordering site is fucking with me. I'm supposed to see a Porkupine Tree concert with Mr. Gul but the damn site and the router I'm sitting behind refuse to cooperate. Ah, hell. I'll try again tomorrow.

I've been playing alot more guitar since moving. That's awesome. I feel like I'm evolving again. And all the singing at work is paying off. But I want the fucking band to get going. And I need help, someone has to grab my by the dick too my computer whilst Logic is running and make me record this shit. Argh! Anger! Hate! Why can't I get this shit done?!

Same as why can't I feel ok and balanced and finish with school. Or anything I want fixing with my situation and life. Nike can go fuck themselves with their 'just do it' bullshit. Even though it's fucking true.

I'm cursing alot today but, fucking hell... Yeah!

Dammit. Argh. So much teatering around crap and small annoyances too punch through. And big fucking major gripes to hate on. I need to scream at people, sing at people, kick them in the balls and fuck them over.

Now. I hate that the only way I can feel better about all this shit, is to be fucking angry about it. I can only choose between sad and angry. Where the hell is the constructive option? Sure anger is alot more constructive, but I have anger control issues. I don't want to walk around feeling the need to kick someone in the teeth.

So. To summarise:

FUCK!

Three day week still become seven.

I don't get it. I work three days per week at the moment. Somehow I've been madly busy every day anyway. And I don't seem to have got anything done yet.

Tomorrow I'll be doing the last lessons of the week. Dunno. I've been seriously tired this week. It can't have anything to do with me blogging at... oh 04:45 in the morning?

The Nom-inator is studying Die-abetes.

Is it weird that I come home with a mother of a headache after a particularly shouty day at work, end up drinking coffee and tea (at the same time) watching Gus out of the corner in my eye playing Zelda. And then walking off to bake cookies.

We got another 20 cookies of death out of this.

And I'm going to have some.

Hectic socialising

Right then. Yesterday became a day of baking, prepping and cosy tv-series watching before it ended. Made some seriously awesome Chocolate double chocolate chip cookies with hazel and peanuts. Diabetes? Yes please.

Now I'm trying to stuff my face with something food-like. Prepare rpg. Waiting a call from my uncle. Then I'll head out to Lidingö at top speed, prepare a celebratory dinner. Then sleep out there after dinner, tomorrow there will be big inter-family rpg to be had.

Sunday will be tea drinking, probably more baking and me trying to buy shoes.

I just hope it all works out fun, and tasty.

That was a weird one.

Someone keeps calling me 'early' in My morning. I've had conversations about this many times. The person doesn't stop.

Today, I got mad, grabbed the phone and just turned it off.

Got up again a couple of hours later. Took a shower, went to work.

Long day at work. And sort of going through a couple of things I don't feel 100% doing yet, since it's new material. Suddenly my boss comes in and asks me out, all serious. I step out of class. And she hands me a licorice, and sends me back in. Wtf?

Got home with a thumping headache. Which really is the standard way I come home. Tea, dinner, some internetting. Gus comes home with Caroline. Both hillariously drunk. We had the last bits of cheesecake and they seem to be merrily asleep now, whilst I drink another (way to much) cup of tea.

And I don't get to go to Alex's master presentation. Weirdness. Sure it's all like high-up academic sadness in some way, but it's an important day.

Oh, alone time.

Seven out of nine (oh, star trek anyone?) courses at work have been started. There might, might be one more. I really hope it gets going, because I need the money.

I feel like, dizzily tired. But the bed is like, really far away.

And I've got a nice cup of tea right here. Waiting for me.

High hill homecoming.

Ok. There is something off with my energy and sleep levels. I'll try really hard to get in bed a bit earlier every day and see if it helps out.

Everything there is to do keeps weighing heavily on my mind. So much of my mind is just one tangled conflict of needs, desires, musts and have-too's. Just now, one of my best friends Mr.Gul told me I was awesome for always being there when needed, and in general. And I as usual can't just accept it but try explaining it away. Sure, now it turned into a good compliment for us both, as I was out argued. But dammit. My mind is a sick thing.

First monday back at work. A bit weird, two composite groups of students who have very diffrent levels of skill. I'm gonna have to sit down and have a real good thinker about how to go about this. Most confusing group has people from four old courses.

Came home to some meatstew dinner and cheesecake with Ice Age 3. Good times were had. We're making a little weird two-man dysfunctional family (all families are, I'm not downing anything).


Where to start unraveling my mind, where? It's really all about getting going again. I need too:

Buy shoes -> Get access card to F&S -> Exercise regime

Record Guitars -> Get Drumtracks -> Record Bass -> Record vocals -> Conquer World with music, fullfill dream.

Book studycouncelor meeting -> Go to KTH and get library books -> Continue and finish Master Degrees.

Sit down and look through appartment listings like a possessed bastard and figure out a way to get a more permanent way to live.

Work really hard to get my relationship up and running again, being a thing that helps us grow instead of being a bit of a downer.

Research where and how and who I should get in contact with to actually get some real help with dealing with my mind.

The scary thing is, these are all pretty huge things really. And they are constantly 100% in the front of my head, bouncing around. The constant thinking, worrying and all the possible ways things could happen. No fucking wonder I'm tired all the time. I can't relax.

Needed meaninglessness

Mostly been cleaning a bit today. Aiming to sort alot of papers tomorrow before going to work.

Got some important mails sent and such.

Still trying to make up a plan of attack for all the stuff I have to do. Why is it so difficult? It's just stuff.

Naked cheesecake fairy.

Actually brings really nice cheesecake. At two o'clock in the morning. Wearing a blanket, as a cape. And no pants.

O.o


Ahem.

Right. Got some much needed guitar practicing done today. Some more One Peice. I'm going ot beat that series. And I went to visit Carl. More guitars were played, taught him Dethkloks 'Go Into the Water'. A very, very manly song. And we played around with the game Prototype. Alot of badassness, yet highly repetative with complete lack of a functioning narrative. Not anything I'd spend money on for sure. But ok to play around with.

Started reading a book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. A bit longworded, but I hope to crack through it sooner then later. And as i've been sorting my head out for years and not getting anywhere, but now actually trying to find a way to actually get some help. Hope this turns out to be one of the first steps.

Another sort of homecoming.

Ah. Today was dominated by dinner with Alexandra and family. I became last minute cook, and I was asked to recreate a weird homebrew gumbo thing I made up a month ago.

Which was a bit scary to be honest. It was like, chicken, beef and fish. With spinache, crushed tomatoes, onions and chili. With rosemary, soy and diffrent kinds of stock so to give it all kinds of flavours. And to top it of, I put cocoa in there. It was really cool, because you have no clue what you're actually eating.

But... reacreating it. Kinda itimidating, since I didn't remember what I did last time. And it'll probably end up diffrent. And it did. But when we added a hint of Blairs Original Death sauce on top, for us three who wanted a bit more hotness, it ended up where it should be.

It was really nice being back. I very, very much miss that whole aspect of my life. And me and Alex, toghether, hanging out, doing stuff, being us. There's still alot of magic there, when there is time and space for it to happen.

Some sort of remembrance

I've been terribly slow and tired since I got to the new place. I feel like a bit of a letdown to those around me.

Had to get my ass in gear and get to the library for a book return today. Not to mention that I actually have to borrow more books.

Then I was invited to dinner at my friend Emmas place, with two other guys, Oskar and Pontus, and Emmas parents.

Had a long walk there, to get some physical activity in there somewhere. Good conversation, good friendship, surprising compliments on my music. My mp3 player was dragged out of me, and everyone agreed upon my slosh recordings being awesome and they want my albums. I keep kicking myself for not having been able to get further then I have.

Now I sit here blogging a bit before brushing my teeth and heading for bed. I have no clue where my roomie is. Is he asleep, out partying, who knows. The only thing I know is, he's damn slicker then me at not doing stuff. :P

Blubb, blubb, blubb, in the water.

Today was the first full day back at work.

You always forget between terms just how badly your head gets messed up by doing five hours of continous lessons without break.

But it was fun. The electric guitar groups got to play some bad ass Dethklok, the song Go Into the Water. It's such a massive metal song. Awesome riff, you can play it over and over and just get more amped. Also had a beginner acustic group for 10-13 year olds. Looks like it'll be a good group with fast learners.

I've come home to a empty appartment. Enjoying the silence, tea, and a few episodes of One Peice. And good msn based friendship.

Got a bunch of go-around-town stuff I need to do. Basic food shoping, shoe shopping, library visit, bank visit. It just feels madly uninspiring. And I really wish for a full nights rest. I'm madly tired and I want this damn painful knot out of my back.

Alex is apparently handing in her essay papers. After that there should only be the presentation left. I really, truly, madly hope that this will allow us some time toghether. Everything was going along rather nicely, but the stress and the busy gets in there and ruins things.

Hmm, also have alot of papers, cds and stuff here at home that I'd like to go through. Need to prep everything so I can start writing again.

O.K.

Dammit. No.

You're not better off then you make for yourself. Sitting around feeling crap in the head isn't constructive.

I've thought of getting back to writing a actual diary, ol' pen and paper style, since it helps. But hell, I spend more time at the computer. And I can practice guitar between thinking of things.

Yes. Lets try being a bit candid and truthful about the day to, if not anything else, put my days in some sort of realistic perspective.

I spent alot of last night, and this morning, sitting and watching One Peice with Gus. That series is alot of fun, and I think the only real humor based anime that I feel a good solid connection with. Maybe sometime I'll get around to some other series. But as I'm on episdoe 30 of like... 555+ episodes and films. Yikes.

I'm reading through Mötley Crüs - The Dirt biografy book. It's a tough one. It's hard to care for these guys in any sense. Everyone has had similar tough times, but they just did the drug thing. And the asshole thing. More asshole then drug thing. I just don't get how they can be worshipped as heroes. But I'm 3/4 through it. Two or three more nights at most left.

As I was watching awesomeness with Gus, we both got up kinda late, around noon. Guess it's kinda good that we are on the exact same rythm when it comes to sleep. My excuse is coming home late from work and being a night person. Wonder what his is. :P

Today was the first day back at work. It's weird. Classes are missing students. And I don't know why. There's been problems getting letters out to students about new courses. But I can only speculate that there's still a good whiff of bad economy whafting about. Anyway, the first lesson went well. Rehashing some old ground to make sure we know it, and yeah, both me and the students need to work on some fingerpicking. We really need to at least be able to do the basics properly.

Also, Gus is doing the date thingy, so I suggested that I should stay away for a couple of hours extra. Turned out one students mom/our secretary, something inbetween, had got the times mixed up. So I hung around and gave her a free hour lesson. Had some dinner, left over creamy curry and rice. Practiced a bit, although tired and headache kinda ruined that. Got some more papers in order and prepared for tomorrow, which will be a full day. Electic guitars aplenty and adult beginners on acustic guitars.

Now sitting around blogging, guitaring and wondering if I shouldn't cram in some episodes of OP. Luffy is king. Or will be. Whatever.

Where am I?

I keep waking up in a strange place.

And my mind is closed inside some crystalline prison. I can see out. But I can't crack it or break it.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone around me. I don't know how to ask for help. I know of some goals. But even though they are small. It all seems unatainable.

I hate crypticly sad blogg entries.

That's not supposed to be.

So. I got to sleep during the weekend. But now... I havn't slept since I got up on tuesday, twelve-ish. And it's about 23-ish at the time of writing 12 + 24 +23 = fuck all!

I'm trying to gather the sense to be able to write a report to my doctor about my experiences on the pills.

It all just feels sad and lonely.

I'm gonna pop some dinner with tea and nuts. And I'll just fucking start wow and vent in the hope of running into someone to talk to.

Cramping results.

So. I was given two sorts of pills from the doctor, and a pamphlet from the psycologist. The pamphlet was a four minute read of thing I already knew, and that was that, sadly.

Pill 1: Helps you fall asleep, simply. But you will wake up with headaches, exactly like a bad hangover. Don't really see how this would be a improvment, but I'll try.

(after trying... I didn't get any extra sleep, but got up with a murderous headache... IwannadieIwannadieIwannadie-style)

Pill 2: Actually cures night scratching. Which I don't have. But the side effect is lessened anexiety, and that you just fall over sleeping.

I've had mad cramps in my stomache from the vomiting. But at work, I realised that it's given me great stomache support, for singing. I can sing awesome high notes! Powermetal singing, here I come! (or rather, I'm gonna try as hell to learn how this works so I can do it without weird cramps)

And! They've fixed my sink in the bathroom, finally. New pipe and everything. As the piping actually broke, after not working... for a year.

Now, breakfast, te, and some headache pills... hot damn my head is thumbing like some really bad euro techno.

Diffrent kinds of hard.

Hard times, hard pressed, hard mess.

I've been fighting the insomnia since, well, actually, around christmas. Not being able to sleep made me miss a exam. It made me not able to get around in finishing the essays I need done.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a doctor and a psycologist. I really hope this will get me somewhere. No. Actually. I hope to get out of the insomnia and to get a slip that shows that I've been ill, so I don't loose my appartment. I want to move, and soon, but at my own volition.

I also got hit hard by a stomache bug on friday evening. A little of 24 hours of hell.

How come I always get sick, so that I am very ill at the same time as it's my turn to clean the common kitchen here?

And in my few hours of dozing... I dream of music.