Inner Outer

Alright, biting my lip abit. I had a good idea on how to write this, but then I went to get all our wet clothes out of the washroom and it eluded me.

Where am I today?

For almost as long as I can remember, I've been fighting with myself. And it seems very few people have caught on to this. I am not well. And that is hard to admit even to myself. Everyone else seem to see thoughtful, dependable, and perhaps, sometimes, a slightly distant person. Me.

Growing up, dad neglected me in a most active way. That is to say his behavior made me quite certain how meaningless I was. And how my opinions, feelings and, well, all of me, didn't really matter. Now with a few years behind me, I also see that I've recived the same treatment from my mother that she got from hers. The 'not being good enough' treatment. Whatever I've managed to do, I could have done it better.

I live with the voice of my inner critic. That inner voice normaly secondguesses you, criticises you, and as such can be used so that you do your best. Mine doesn't stop. It has grown throughout my conciousness like a cancer.
Even before I even do anything that I've planned on doing, I've been berated by that voice for months on how I'm going to fail, what I'll do wrong, that I can't succed.
I tend to be so filled with anexiety that I feel sick to my stomache. I very often have trouble sleeping because of fear and stress hormones.

I often have trouble managing my day. I get terribly scared about doing the school work I need to do. I get scared about the challenges of getting a appartment of my own. I worry about money. I worry about my weight. I worry constantly. And I feel serious physical effects from my worrying. Me anexiety.

In three weeks school starts. I'm retaking Math 1, first module out of two. For a week now I've had seriously frightening nightmares about Cosine and E functions trying to kill me. It sounds just wonderfully pathetic in this form. But it's the same level of fear as when I got mugged.

I've tried to find help. I have not succeded. Back then I got help from school, I've tried the psycologists linked to my university, so that I at least can get some help passing my courses, but nothing. I was to severe a case so they wouldn't even touch me. (they were more interested in going and having their coffe actually)

Worst of all is how this affects my dreams of working with music. And how I just plain suck to be around and how it makes me less of a friend and less of a boyfriend. (Not that they'd complain, any of them. There's a good deal of me not calling myself good enough in that to. But you all know when I'm not enough, and I cringe for every time I've failed any of you.)

So, why am I writing this huge peice of whine? I am not sure. It is a call for help. Gods know I need and will welcome any that anyone wishes to give.

It is also, this whole writing thing, if I manage to keep it up (notice me second guessing myself already) I can use it to keep track of myself.

The fall is heading at me at breakneck speed. And there's so much to do. I suck at living in the now. Instead I see a huge pile of crap that needs doing instead of working on the bit that's before me, so all the little bits can accumulate and become, ehr, a pile of... not crap.

I'm re-taking two courses during the fall. Half of Math 1 I've mentioned, and then there's the Optics and Laser course. It really isn't hard, and I know the material, and where at best of with 1 point on both exams. I've also got some essays lying around that needs doing. There are always esseys that need doing. But I must get this done. All of it.

I must move out. It's official, we do not get along anymore. I can't actually point to anything specifically, as I've just gotten alot of animosity and few explanations. But, things end. Not to mention that I do want my own place. Or, better, I would love to live with my girlfriend as she is the best there is and our only real problem is not seeing enough of eachother. (well, there'll be other problems along, but getting through problems is what a relationship is all about and that journey can be quite interesting. I want to share life and it's experiences with her.) But I can't live here anymore. It's slowly grinding away at me, being here.

I want to continue being good at my job. Damn that job. Sometimes, when everyone is being an ass I really, really hate it. But... teaching the guitar is awesome. I love my instrument, I love music, and I love teaching. I just wish that I could do it on a grand scale. I admit that I dream about working with my good friend Mr.Gul. We could so do IAs FGS for him. We know that shit.

As I'm moving out, I most probably won't have access to this computer anymore. Which is sad, as I own half of it, but the really hard part is that it'd put a new hamper on me recording my music. All the songs I've written for the band, now Silence Reversed, are just waiting for me. I can do it. It's great stuff. But, I've been weedling about for years, not getting around to it, because I'm scared. And I'd hate, hate, hate to have the oppertunity taken away from me. Although... I could just try and buy a computer of my own... Me, creating problems, that don't really exist.

Taekwon-Do. I was a active martial arts student for almost two years. The second year I lost 20kg of weight. I now weigh about 80kg. There's some 5-10kg left to get rid of. And... I loved doing it, I was getting good at it. But the job, illness and a really, really mentaly straining course made it, not to hard to go, but made it so easy not to go. I just wish that I can get Eli or anyone I know to come along and do it. There are so many male jocks there and it's actually hard making friends.

Last, I so wish that I'd be able to socialise more with my friends. We're all so busy now with school in diffrent ways... sure, moving out will probably help. But I've been an ass, not wanting to go along to certain things. I need a serious kick in the ass. And I wish that I could reset peoples thoughts upon what I will and will not do.

So this is a call for help... but I know most people stand slightly frightened at this kind of onslaught of bad mental health.

I need to talk with people, with all of my friends. I need to spend time with you. I need to tell my story. I need to be asked by you. I need more of the awful truths about myself. I need more of the everyday plain truths about myself. I need to be needed. I need cheering on. I need to be yelled at when I slip up and do bad things to myself.

I don't need that anyone cares. But it sure does help. I really could use some being loved and getting told that. Because, sadly, even though I should, I don't know that you do. Because, well, I'm ill and can't yet accept that. Remind me that I'm wrong. I do feel disgusting just for asking this. Bur... it would make my, journey, easier.

Writing this has been really, really hard. It didn't turn out as I thought, it doesn't contain everything, but... I hope it's enough. And I feel a bit more light-hearted after writing it down.

I want to live my life.